Интервью с Марлон Брандо

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Марлон Брандо в роли Вито Корлеоне в фильме Крестный отец, 1972

Это необычное интервью. Марлона Брандо совершил переход с земли в астральный мир первого июля 2004 года. Тем не менее, интервью состоялось в апреле 2022 года с помощью кинокритика – медиума, который может общаться как с людьми в плотных, земных телах, так и с людьми-спиритами в астральных телах. На первый взгляд такой подход приводит к пониманию того, что после смерти мы очень мало и настолько медленно  меняемся, что наши невооруженные глаза этого не видят. Тем не менее, мы меняемся, и более глубокий подход к самореализации вполне возможен! Если вы дочитаете это интервью до конца, вы увидите одну из шокирующих и до сих пор и ранее нигде не упомянутой причины, почему Марлон Брандо не принял своего «Оскара» за лучшую мужскую роль в первом фильме «Крестный отец» в 1972 году.

автор книги “Узники славы”, сборник бесед с теми, кто были когда-то любимыми и известными, но сегодня живущими в астральном мире людей.

Мне хотелось бы начать наш разговор о самой мистической роли, которую мне когда-либо приходилось играть, а именно с роли Курца, офицера американской армии, в фильме Фрэнсиса Коппола о вьетнамской войне “Апокалипсис нынче”, 1975. Кем был полковник Курц? Он был само молчание. Сходя с ума, он уже не разговаривал, не думал, не ел, не пил, не спал. Он превратился в каменное изваяние и все его желания сводились к стремлению унижать, причинять страдание местному населению. Он уничтожал их силой своего взгляда. Он ненавидел их, да, он ненавидел их за то, что у них были права. Права! Местные жители молчали, но в своем молчании они так же ненавидели его, Курца, и ждали, когда он исчезнет и станет мифом, видением из другого мира, кем стал в свое время Моисей, когда разговаривал с Богом! Аборигены во Вьетнаме хотели заполучить часть его, как русские  во время церковной службы прожевывают и проглатывают чатички тела их Иисуса Христа в виде маленьких кусочков белого хлеба. Я не видел ничего более ужасного, чем русский православный расчлененный Иисус. Католики отличаются тем, что приглашают нас войти в рай, но никогда не допускают туда верующих, потому что небесная обитель уже занята  более продвинутыми, а мы, грешники, до рая не дотягиваем. Тата, вы задали мне ужасный вопрос насчет Курца. Я никогда не думал, что вы настоящий критик — покажите мне, что вам досталось, когда вы брали интервью у Хемингуэя? Он надеется на перемены в реплике своего дома, но воз и ныне там. Но мы не будем на этом сосредотачиваться.

– Курц походил немного на вашего отца?

– Да, он вполне походил! И все разговоры о том, что власть отца, то есть его ответственность за сына идет от Бога не более, чем пустые слова. Власть отца над сыном нередко превращается в ад и катастрофу в жизни сына.  Вы не можете сказать отцу то, что вам хочется ему сказать. Пошел ты к черту! Оставь меня в покое! И катастрофа завершается долгами, финансовым бедствием, потому что роли, которые  тебе достаются, не покрывают долговую бездну, и ты выряживаешься  в военные мундиры, потому что они сидят на тебе прилично, и ты громыхаешь боевой амуницией, и тебе говорят, что ты «ну прямо выглядишь как бог войны, и копятся роли, в которых ты копируешь богов, превращаясь в копировальную машину, вместо того, что бы искать как выразить человечность. Но что такое человечность человека?

Человеку нужна свобода, но свободы у него нет с самого начала. То мать без конца заботливо  суетиться вокруг тебя,то ты подпадаешь под власть истинной силы семьи – власть отца.  Например,  Роберта Де Ниро и его отец! Роберт еврей, и их отцы строже наших. Они олицетворяют закон, с котороым не спорят, но которому подчинаются.

Мой отец никогда не прикасался ко мне, но отец Де Ниро бил его. Де Ниро пришлось серьезно бороться за то, чтобы стать актером, а не бухгалтером, как того хотел отец. Между отцом и сыном всегда устанавливается атмосфера воинственности. В греческой мифологии сын убивает отца по стечению обстоятельств.

– Был ли у вас кога-либо соблазн поддаться такого рода обстоятельствам?

– Конечно нет, но от меня требовалось безприкословное подчинениое всем установкам  оптца, но душа моя не принимала его закона послушания. Я хотел идти своей дорогой, я хотел быть свободным. Вместо этого мне приходилось помнить семейные дни рождения, и слать домой открытки в срок,  но никогда не просить денег, когда они мне были нужны, а самому зарабатывать,  самому находить пути к их добыванию.  

– Как вы справлялись с этим заданием?

– Я воровал деньги! Я крал деньги, чтобы не просить их у отца. Когда я начал, наконец, зарабатывать, я бросил воровать, но стал таким же скрягой, как мой отец, или хуже него! Я любил девушек, но во избежание лишних трат, я выбирал не красивых, не требовательных девушек. Это срабатывало.  Но душа моя не успокаивалась. Мне хотелось, чтобы мои партнерши были самыми красивыми девушками. Я был достаточно хорош собой, чтобы привлекать их внимание. И, естественно, вскорости, мало что оставалось от моих благих намерений, и я оказывался в долгах.  И я вложил в кинообраз Стэнли Ковальского, иммигранта из Польши в фильме «Трамвай желание», все мое раздражение по поводу моих финансовых неурядиц. Ковальский был никем, но его амбиции не ведали пределов. Одни амбиции и никакого сострадания! Вы правы, у рабов есть только права, но у них нет чести. Я вижу, вы сталкивались в вашей жизни с Ковальскими. Я знаю, что вы не видите тонкого мира, и у вас много проблем с неопрятными духами тонкого мира. В вас влюблен человек, занимающий высокий служебный пост.  Я знаю, когда влюбленность витает в воздухе! Но коммунизм так крепко держит его за горло, что ваш конфликт с ним неизбежен. Я знаю, я вижу будущее. Вы останетесь одна, но если вы расстанетесь, сломает ли это вас, или вы выстоите? Да, вы выстоите. Оставайтесь лучше в одиночестве, так будет лучше.

Например, Курц не смог справиться с одиночеством, он нуждался в толпе для подтверждения своего ложного величия. Мне кажется, мы говорим, потому что мы встречались в прошлых воплощениях. Мы, два римских офицера, дружили  в Египте. Вы из рода, когда-то близкого к власти, и нынче вы каким-то образом помните это. Вы человек в принципе безпартийный, вам не нужны ни демократы, ни республиканцы, вы вещь в себе. Я такой же. В Египте мы попали в беду, когда мы ради забавы насиловали девственниц в святом месте, но вы попались, и вас вернули домой рабом, прикованным к веслу галеры. Странно… Я не могу вспомнить, за что вас так сурово наказали.  Но дома друзья спасли вас и вы устроились надзирателем за рабами в поместье императора Адриана. Это так, или я ошибаюсь?

Признаюсь, я потеряла дар речи. Независимо от этого интервью, еще в мою  бытность в Эстонии, то есть, за 30 лет до этого разговора,  я вспомнила эту инкарнацию, гульбу пьяных римских офиров в одном из храмов Иудеи, издевательство над девственницами, убиение некоторых , кару, галеры, рынок рабов в портовом городе, на котором друзья узнали меня и выкупили из рабства. 

-Да, это так!—невольно созналась я.

Во время путешествия по Италии в 2000, уже в качестве американки, я посетила поместье Андриана и вспомнила многое. Я узнала усадьбу, услышала конское ржание, почувствовала в воздухе запах конского помета… проблему с полевыми мышками, которые забирались в мешки с зерном и гадили там в свое удовольствие. Марло Брандо продолжил свой рассказ.

– Все мои роли того периода являлись монархическимио, как роль Юлия Цезаря, и во всех этих ролях я воплощал образ моего отца, кем бы они не были, маршалами, командирами, лидерами народных движений. В фильме «Крестный отец», сын Вито Корлеоне, создателя империи Омерты, то есть, империи нафиозного молчания, его наследник и переемник власти, Майкл, отбрасывает все итальянские семейные привязанности, и становится отцом-разрушителем, требуя от членов мафии абсолютного и безоговорочного повиновения. Когда его младший брат немного перегибает палку в дележе финансов, Майки, дождавшись смерти матери, расстреливает брата. Отношения между отцом и сыновьями в семье Корлеоне — это отдельная история. Вито Корлеоне построил мафию, его сын, Майкл разрушил ее, убирая по очереди всех тех, кого когда-то его отец объединил.

В «Крестном отце» роль Вито Корлеоне досталась мне, но и мой Курц, и моя роль с фильме «Мое последнее танго в Париже», и Стэнли Ковальский в «Трамвае желание»—это все воплощения образа  моего отца. Я всегда играл своего отца. Я хотел избавиться от него, но этого не случилось, и этот образ остался при мне. Так было и с Моцартом с его Реквиемом, произведением,  которое буквально убило его. Вы быстро записываете, это хорошо. Спросите меня о чем-либо еще!

-Давай поговорим о вашей матери и ваших жёнах, вы много раз женились и разводились. Почему? Вы искали  нечто, что ускользало и не состоялось?

– О Боже мой! Конечно! Я ждал чуда. Искал жен из разных уголков мира, а попал к местной с острова Гавайи, и снова разочаровался.

Все они искали оправдания в детях. Конечно, это нужно, но это не жизнь! Мы несем новую жизнь, но никогда не позволяем ей быть такой, какой она хочет быть, мы начинаем “улучшать ее”! Мы диктуем детям хранить деньги в семье. Вы родом из самой ужасной страны в мире, но вы are a free Willi — сама свобода, я вижу это. Это делает вашу жизнь ужасно трудной, но вы предпочитаете придерживаться своих внутренних истин. Здравствуй, детка, ты выиграешь не деньги, а воздух для дыхания! Право дышать! Давайте сделаем перерыв!

– Спасибо. В астральном мире, вы живете в реплике вашего голливудского дома?

– Да, в той реплике. 

– Вы любили вашу мать?

– Нет. Я не любил свою мать. Она была рабыней отца, и это пугало меня.

– Ковальский оказался моим самым любимым персонажем. … Вы спрашиваете о судьбе  замечательной  актрисы Вивиан Ли? Это не «Трамвай желание» сломал ее судьбу, как считают многие. Это был алкоголь, и нам всем было больно наблюдать, как алкоголь уничтожал ее талант и наработанное годами мастерство. Я не любил многих своих со-братьев по цеху. Мы все говорили об искусстве, а на самопм деле боролись за деньги, всем нужны были деньги в первую очередь.

– Нет, денежных проблем у меня не было с тех пор, как я перестал воровать. Если вы крадете, это рано или поздно выстрелит в вас! И я хватался за каждую доступную мне роль. Это было трудное время. Ты играешь все, что они хотят, чтобы ты играл. И ты обнаруживаешь, что какие бы посты люди не занимали, они остаются людьми, которыми управляют деньги, секс и любовь!

– Ваш кино-вкус? Какой фильмы вы любите?

–  Трудно ответить, потому что столько замечательных фильмов создано. Я люблю итальянские фильмы, потому что итальянцы умеют передавать человеческие эмоции.

– Какой цвет вы любите?

– Золотисто-желтый! Мне нравится, когда женщины носят золото, а не только серебро. Серебро — холодный металл, золото — теплый металл. Вы ничего не носите. В нашу эпоху дешевых подделок это звучит как амбициозное завление о презревнии к этим подделкам.

– Музыка, какую музыку вы любите? Как насчет Вагнера, мызыки богов?

– Нет, Вагнер нет! Я люблю исполнотелей кантри музыки, они не стесняются своих эмоций.  

– Будете ли вы снова актером в своем следующем воплощении?

– Никогда, я хочу стать писателем.

– Хамфри Богарт тоже хочет стать писателем.

–  Я ненавижу его.

– За что?

– За то, что он играл не то, что он должен был бы играть. Он был хорош в «Касабланке». Ему следовало бы держаться своей линии, а не доказывать, что у него были и мышцы. Он мог воплощать людей, принадлежащих к верхнему эшелону власти, а не игратрь разных там сыщиков, или подонков, как в фильме «Сьерра-Мадре». Только итальянец Лукино Висконти бесстрашно показывал нам персонажей из высшего общества! Мы боялись и стеснялись таких ролей. И я люблю фильмы Висконти.

– Может быть, это не совсем удобный вопрос, но кому вы обязаны своим  необычным лицом, в котором  просматриваются черты римских и греческих ваяний, портретов их императоров и мудрецов, как они подчеркивали значимость своих  великих людей.

– Я думаю, что я обязан этим моей матери. Она была местной индианкой. Она была образованна, и по всей вероятности, она была красива, потому что мой отец ревновал ее. 

– Я читала где-то, что когда вы работали с Чарли Чаплином над фильмом «Графиня из Гон-Конга», у вас случались разногласия с великим мастером смешного.

– Во время сьемок, я собирал вещи раз пять, чтобы бросить все и уехать, но фильм мы все же закончили.

– Коппола был вашим лучшим режиссером?

– Нет! Лучшим был Элиан Казан, самый влиятельный режиссер, которого все почему то ненавидели, режиссер фильма «Трамвай Желание»! Этот фильм хорош, и я был там хорош, потому что режиссер был хорошим! Он был моим лучшим режиссером. Коппола не дал мне сыграть ни единой нормальной сцены с неким действием. Я надеялся на сцену в эпизоде ​​с перестрелкой гангстеров, так как мы все до какой-то степени гангстеры, когда воюем за свои роли. Но нет, в «Крестном отце» я только сидел, либо лежал на госпитальных носилках. Альпачино получал там сцены, в которых было что играть, но не я!

– Могли бы вы сыграть себя молодого во второй серии «Крестного отца»? Надо ли было привлекать Роберта Де Ниро для того, чтобы сыграть молодого Вито Корлеоне?

– Да, я мог бы это сделать, но… директор думал иначе.

– Мне кажется, вы недооцениваете влияния вашего сидячего присутствия в фильме. Вы появляетесь в фильме, когда вы все уже сделали, и всего достигли, стали главой мафии, вам уже ничего не надо было доказывать. Вы излучали власть хозяина, человека, которого слушались безприкословно, зная кару за измену, или нарушение клятвы Омерты, то есть молчания. Даже просто сидя в кресле и поглаживая котенка, в вас всегда клокотали две противоречащие силы – преданность семье и готовность к насилию, если понадобиться защищать и отстаивать свою мафиозную империю. 

Коппола пригласил вас, потому что вы могли создать сложную ауру своего экранного персонажа, который любил своих, и был цинично безпощаден не к своим. Может быть, для трилогии этого было достаточно, но не для вас. Конечно, я хочу спросить, почему вы отказались от награды «Оскар» за лучшую мужскую роль, воплощение образа Вито Корлеоне в 1973 году? Мировая электронная сеть приводила разные причины: протест против малого отражения образов коренных жителей в американских фильмах, протест против власти истеблишмента в оскароносном бизнесе и другие, столь же несерьезные причины. Конечно, теперь я понимаю, почему вы отказались от награды. Вам казалось, что вам дали награду  если не из милости, то из уважения, но не за игру, которой не было, как вам казалось, и ваше чувство чести было задето. Все остальные актеры играли свои сцены, но не получили ничего. Как им в глаза смотреть, получив высшую награду ни за что?!

Я вспоминаю рассказ Аллы Демидовой об Иннокентии Смоктуновском, замечательном русском актере, который мечтал найти режиссера, который позволил бы ему простоять на пустой сцене 30-40 минут, ничего не говоря, ничего не играя, но удерживая внимание публики посылкой зрителям вместо обычного действия тонкую высоковибрационную энергию (если я не ошибаюсь, специалисты называют ее ВЧ – энергия высокой частоты вибрации). Смоктуновскому хотелось узнать, как долго он сможет удерживать внимание зрителей, «ничего не делая» на сцене. Эта энергия  влияет на человека, она может повысить чувство радости, уверенности в себе, возвышенности, открыть каналы восприятия красоты и поддерживает здоровья и творческие силы человека. 

Но то, о чем мечтал Смоктуновский, и было тем «ничего  не деланием в видимом мире, что досталось вам, господин Брандо, в фильме «Крестный  отце». Вы сидели в кресле, но находясь на сьемочной площадке всегда в роли Вито Корлеоне, «ничего не делая», вы посылали – сознательмо или бессознательно в окружающую среду его дух, энергию лидера мафии, волю и силу Вито Корлеоне. Лидер мафии – король, и его придворные являются исполнителями его воли. Например, вспомните памятный эпизод крестин новорожденного в семействе Корлеоне, справляемый в католическом соборе. Вы видите разодетое семейство Корлеоне в церкви, священники медленно и торжественно следуют ритуалу крестин, в изображение которого вмонтированы яркие сцены зачищения неугодных бизнес-конкурентов в Лас-Вегасе и других местах. И вы чувствуете, что Вито Корлеоне расчищает место для ростущего семейства Корлеоне. Он не делает «ничего», он сидит в кресле, мертвый или живой, а его волю исполняют его придворные. И зрительный зал чувствует эту волю.  Мистер Брандо, вы заслужили свою награду. Ваш отказ принять его, безусловно, затмил празднование блестящего, беспрецедентного успеха фильма «Крестный отец».

Мне кажется, Курц не совсем получился. Пока герои плывут к Курцу по охваченной войной реке, все замечательно получается, но когда герои приплываят к Курцу, что-то ломается и не полиучается. Коппола здесь казнил и вас и себя за что-то. Может быть, я не должна говорить об этом. Я не вправе критиковать ни вас, ни Коппола. Но Курц так и остался для нас загадкой Бога, который отвернулся от всех, и ушел в себя на веки. Мне осталось только спросить вас еще раз, станете ли вы актером в своем следующем воплощении? Марлон Брандо подтвердил, что в следующий раз он найдет другое занятие, чем быть снова актером, который чаще всего является исполнителем чужой воли, воли режиссера, а не выразителем своей воли. Может быть я найду профессию, в которой я стану хозяином собственной творческой воли.

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Interview with Marlon Brando

Marlon Brando (1924-2004) in role of
Vito Corleone in film Godfather, 1972

This is an unusual interview.  Marlon Brando is not with us since his transition from earth to the astral world on July 1, 2004. Nevertheless, the interview took place in April 2022 with help of a film critic, alias a medium, who could talk to people in both dense bodies, as we all are on earth, and people in small bodies, as we all will be in the next world known as the astral world. At first glance, this interview leads to understanding that after death we change very little, or so slowly that we did not see it with our naked eyes. Nevertheless, we change, and a deeper approach to self-realization is very much possible! If you read this interview to end you will learn about so far not revealed  reason why Marlon Brando did not accept his Best Actor Oscar for Godfather, 1972.   

Marlon Brando was seeking answers to some problems with film Apocalypse Now. — Who was Kurtz? A God?… of what, or who, or how was he a God? He was SILENCE?! He ended up not talking, not thinking, not eating, not drinking, not sleeping. He became stone figurine , and all he wanted to d o, was hurting locals. 

He destroyed them with power of his glance.  He loathed them, he hated them, because, yes, they had rights. In all their silence, they hated him, a Kurtz, and awaited when he will disappear and he will be made a myth, a vision from another world, as Moses was, when he talked to God! They wanted part of him, like Russians eat up our days, their Jesus’ Christ body cut into small pieces of white bread. I have not seen anything more terrible than Russian Orthodox’ cut into pieces Jesus, or Catholic – taste of Paradise where we all are invited to enter, but  never allowed to enter the paradise, the place for the better ones. Tata, you asked me a terrible question. I never thought that you are a real critic – show me, what you got from Hemingway? …

My father was a kind of a God in family, and he never let me go.

-Was Kurtz a bit like your father?

-He was the one, and all the talk about the God is a misery! The power, the terror of father in the life of a son is a catastrophy! You cannot say to him, what you want to say. Go to hell! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! And you will end up with debts, financial disasters, because you cannot take on roles, and roles are piling up  and you wear war God’s ammunition, costumes

To express only one thing, copying God as some copying machine. Because you are not a human. But what is human?

Human needs freedom, but freedom was never there  forhim from the start. There is my dotting mother doing things for you.  Then comes the real family power at the play – you father!

Robert DeNiro and his father!  He is a Jew, of course. And their fathers are worse than ours.  Their fathers were a law.

My father never touched me, but DeNiro’s father beat him. DeNiro had real fight to become an actor, and not a book keeper, as father wanted him to be. There is always a war atmosphere between the father and son. And in Greek mythology, there son is murdering father by an acci-dent.

-Were you tempted sometimes to do the same?

– Of course not, but I had to accept his law. I disagreed with his law of complete and unconditional obedience.

I wanted to walk my way. I wanted to be free. Instead, I had to look that I did not forget family birth days — sending cards home, not asking for money, when I needed it, but found a way to earn some of it!

– How did you found it experiencing pressure from family obligations?

-By stealing for God’s sake. I stole money in order to avoid getting it from father. Regrettably, when I started to earn some money, I became same like him, maybe worse.

I loved girls!  I chose not the beautiful demanding girls in order not to go into big spending with them. It helped. But I wanted badly the most beautiful girls to be my partners and I was handsome enough to get them, and I found myself in trouble very soon. 

I put all that anger and irritation into Kowalski, a Polish immigrant, a nobody, the nothing with the great Slavic ambitions and no compassion. You are right. A slave has only rights, but no honors, no rules, only rights. And Kowalski is your Vysotsky. I remember, you did not see the subtle world, and you are in trouble with the subtle world spirits, with you specific love interest. I know when it is in the air! But communism is holding so strongly around the throat of your man that the conflict between the two of you is inevitable.  I can see things. Can you stay alone? Yes, you can! Stay better alone!

For instance, strong Kurz could not, he needed a crowd to admire him. You are a thing in itself. You need no party, no dems or reps. You are a thing in itself. Me too. I think, we had met in a past embodiments…

Here I have to interrupt our conversation for some explanation. Today I, as a medium, can talk to Mr. Brando in spirit, and he is sharing things that only spirit can tell without doubts, not from intuition, but from knowing, being sure that his vision of past makes sense and is truthful.  Was it a beautiful past that he recalled? Of course not. Was it a subject of discussion before this interview took place?  Of course not. I was hoping for his revelations regarding his experience with various social movements, especially, movements to encourage Hollywood to bring more images of local Indian people onto film screens. Instead, what followed, made me speechless. He hit the nail describing unpreparedly, coming from cold, my dirty experiences in Egypt during emperor Hadrian war in Egypt.

Marlon Brando recalled episode from The Bar Kokhba revolt that erupted as a result of religious and political tensions in Judea.

– We were buddies in Egypt as Roman officers. But I escaped the disciplinary punishment when we raped in a local holy place virgins for the fun. But you were apprehended and returned home in a slave galera. At home you were rescued by friends and you became Hadrian’s estate slaves’ overlooker! Was it so?

As I, Tatyana, already mentioned, this revelation rendered me speechless, and in shock, I started speaking about things that were not meant for sharing in given setting. However, this revelation confirms Brando story and shows that a talk with a spirit can bring new look at many things that otherwise stay in a kind of fog in our perception. Was it so, or not? In brief, I confirmed Brando’s not so honorable Judea war memory.

-When I traveled to Italy, and visited Hadrian’s villa, I recalled many things, I definitely was there before, and I definitely was slaves’ overlooker, who was murdered for being a too harsh overlooker. During visitation of that villa, I recalled horses’ neighing despite the fact that there were no horses around. In my recollection, the air smelled from horses’ poop, and I recalled the real problem with field mice that got into bags of grain, spoiling the entire harvest. And for that reason, the clean grain was worked into flour only straight before starting the dough only upon the guests’ arrival. I recalled also war cruelty of Roman soldiers and officers in Virgins’ Temple, but everybody can imagine it without  specific description of details of that cruelty. Marlon Brando continued.

 – All my so called “God-like film roles” about monarchs (Julius Cesar) , or colonels (Kurz) made into camera feed as embodiments of my father’s image. And you would be fine with him only, if you do not overstep his law.  If you do, you will be in trouble.  In movie Godfarther Mike becomes Father-Destroyer who built an empire of absolute obedience! And when his little brother overstepped a bit, Mike shot him. My Father got me. My Kurtz is my father! In Tango in Paris my role embodies my father.  And Stanley Kowalski is, of course, my father as well. I was always playing my father wanting to get rid of him, but I was not able to do so. So was Mozart with his Requiem that literally killed him. … You write fast, it is amazing. Ask something else!

– Let then talk about your mother and your wives.  You married and divorced. Why you divorced so many times? Did you sought or hoped to find something new, something different  than their characters resemblance to your mother’s one?  

– Oh my God! Of course, I was looking for miracle to happen!  I sought wives from different parts of the world and I ended up with a local from a Hawaii island and I was disappointed again.  Always the same, always came focus on children first…  It is sure, needed, but this is not the life, it is something else.  We give birth to new life, but we never let it be what it wants to be. We “improve” it, we dictate them go keep the money “in family” and this is it. 

You come from the most terrible country but you are a Free Willy.  I can see it. It makes your life terribly difficult. But you prefer to stuck with your inner truths.  Hello, baby! You will win not money, but air to breath, the right to breath!… Let have a brake!

– Thank you!  Do you live in your astral replica of your home on earth?

– Yes, I live in the replica of my house in Hollywood.  You were asking, if I did love my mother? No, I did not love my mother, as she was a slave to my father, and it scared me!

 You ask me about my most loved screen characters? It was Kowalski, no one  stood higher than this one.  Because it was created by good director hated by many Elian Kazan. Why was he hated? But he was the most influential director I ever met, and thank to him I was able to create a memorable character of the Stanley Kowalski, an angry proletarian with terrible ambitions that destroyed people on his way…

… What is your taste of foreign films, which one you like?

– I like Italian films. They are human, they understand human emotions. 

– What color you like?

– Th e yellow of the gold! I like when women wear gold, not  the silver alone. Silver is cold metal, but gold is warm metal. You do not wear anything. This is a kind of ambition stand in our days of cheap imitation.

– What kind of music you like? No Wagner, the music of Gods?

– I like country singers, because they are not afraid of showing their true emotions.

– What religion are you adopting?

– No religion.

– Did you carry God in your heart?

– No God! No God!  Freedom is my religion! Give me freedom! Freedom is my God!

– Next incarnation? Do you become an actor again? I want to be a writer.

– Humphry Bogart wants also to become a writer.

– I hate him! I hate him for playing all these stupid roles of detectives and other lower kind of human types, like he does in Sierra Madre… He was good in Casablanca, and he was supposed to follow his line of roles, not what directors wanted him to be. As we all do instead of playing what we were born to play. He should not play muscle games, as he was born to play mind games.  We are afraid to play people from the higher power echelons, like Luchino Visconti did! I like Visconti films.     

– May I ask an uncomfortable question. Which parent gave you your specific appearance, in other words, your  look that has some resemblance with features that we see in ancient Romans and Greek statues, in their Roman looks.  

– It may come from my mother, a local, reformed Indian girl.  She had education, but provoked jealousy in my father…  She was supposedly beautiful in her early days…

– How did you go along with short tempered Charly Chaplin, I read once that two of you had something to say to each other, was it true?

– I packed things 5 times when we worked together…

– Still, did you see Coppola as a director who brought you good luck?

– Not really. The best was Elian Kazan.  Coppola did not give me a single episode to do something other than sit there as a figurehead, or lay down in a hospital stretcher. I hoped for a scene where gangsters were shooting each other, as we all are in a sense, gangsters in fight for roles. In Godfather trilogy Al Pachino was the one who got scenes to play, not me.

– Were you sure, you could not play Robert De Niro role of younger Vito Corleone?

– Of course, I thought I could, but director thought otherwise.

– I think, even sitting there, your presence in film was  overwhelming, it was your film. Coppola invited you, because you could create complex aura of your screen persona who carry love toward family and was merciless to those who could hurt his creation, his empire of Omerta, silence. It was a mix of these two hardly compatible energy streams in one character. Maybe, this was enough for trilogy, but not for you, longing to play younger Corleone as well. Of course, I want to ask, why you refused to accept The Best Actor Oscar in year 1973? Worldwide network explained it as protest against poor reflection of American native people images in films, protest against establishment rule in Oscar business, and others equally not serious reasons.
Maybe you thought that you were given if not a mercy award then a respect award, but not for perfect embodiment of your role as you had no scenes to play… and your sense of honor was hurt. All the other actors played their scenes but got nothing. How would you look them into the eye after getting the highest award for having nothing to play…

I recall the story told me by Alla Demidova about Innokenty Smoktunovsky, a Russian great actor who dreamed of finding some crazy director who would allow him to stand on an empty stage for 30-40 minutes, saying nothing, playing nothing, but keeping the audience’s attention, by sending to viewers instead of common action the subtle high-vibrational energy. He wanted to learn, how long he could keep viewers’ attention by doing “nothing” on stage. But this was exactly what you did in Godfather, sitting in an armchair, and doing nothing besides sending to surrounding – consciously or unconsciously as part of staying in the character of Vito Corleone, subtle high-vibrational energy, Vito Corleone’s will and strength. And members of the king’s court acted accordingly. For instance, recall the memorable episode of Christianizing Michel’s newborn child in a Catholic cathedral. You see dressed-up Corleone family in the church, priests following slowly and solemnly the Christianizing ritual and in parallel squeezed in fragments of mobsters cleaning up the unwanted business rivals in Las Vegas and elsewhere. And you sense that Vito Corleone was cleaning space for the newborn member of Corleone family while still sitting in his armchair, dead or alive, letting his court to do the job. Mister Brando, you had earned your reward. Your refusal to accept it certainly overshadowed the celebration of the brilliant, unprecedented success of your film Godfather.

It seems to me that Kurtz’s role remained unopen. While the actors of this film were sailing to Kurtz along the war-torn river, everything turned out great, but when they met Kurtz, something stood hidden from us. Coppola executed both you and himself for holding back something important here. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about it. I have no right to criticize either you or Coppola. But for us, the viewers, Kurtz remained to be a God’s mystery: God was turning away from everyone and disappeared into himself for eternity. I just have to ask you again, will you become an actor in your next incarnation?

Marlon Brando confirmed that next time he will find another occupation than to be an actor who is too often the executor of someone else’s will, the will of the director, and being not the spokesman of his will. Maybe I will find a profession in which I will become the master of my own creative will.

Thank you, Mr. Brando for your time and this great interview.

Tatyana Elmanovich,

a medium who talks to people in astral bodies

06/06/2022, Los Angeles, California

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Dear Mr. Hemingway

—Dear Mr. Hemingway, thank you for accepting my invitation to a talk about your present day stay in afterlife?  

—Why me?

—Being a Russian I remember the excitement of Russians for the chance to read the translations of some of your works like Farewell to Arms, To Whom the Bell Tolls, The Old Man and the Sea,  because of your communication with Cuban fishermen, as we developed friendship with Fidel Castro and put some of our arms on their territory, provoking famous Cuban  crises and  bringing the world on the threshold of the WWIII.  And so, reading your stories, we had a chance to breath in the atmosphere of old European world that will probably disappear soon under the high-rise buildings and speedy express ways.

— Say, what do you think about Russian communism?

— Please, ask me about something else? We still count and bury our dead, and I do not see the end to this counting.  It was Juri Gagarin who once, asking help with an alternative healing procedure mentioned a priest in spirit who, after his own death, volunteered reading burial prayers for our WWII casualties who were simply thrown into common graves without any farewell words or prayer…  Gagarin said, “He is standing there alone and reading individual burial prayers to souls waiting their turns in long line of unburied Russian souls. The old man cannot do it anymore alone… Did I answer your question?

—Do you love Russia?

—Yes and no! My ancestors moved from Moscow to Estonia at the start of the 20 century before 1917.

—Why?

—My Jewish grandfather saw Russia as a sinking ship with a captain who did not see the coming storm. And his prediction of Russia future turned to be true.  OK. Let go save American literature.

—Tata, I like your style, despite seeing that you had difficult life in Estonia, and difficult life in the USA because of your countrymen’s too tight interest toward your persona. But it was what it was. You have fulfilled the God’s plan to become a writer, and you will grow in afterlife, I can see it and it had its preparation period and it had its reason, and it is your destiny, the healing will support you at the start and then it will move to writing alone…

—If you noticed, I wrote more about bullfight, and about beautiful Europe not much touched by the war as Germany or France, but neutral Hispania that was, thank good, saved from communists by Franko to Russia disappointment! But I understood that Franko came to save that beautiful country, carrier of greatest traditions of Europe. If you want to find the European real soul you have to go to live one year in Hispania and France, everything else is already dead numbers, and I am afraid that American strange invasion of France is also not entirely understood by us today. Why? Maybe we are there to save France from Arab’s aggressive attempt to conquer that country. But this is only politics that we who are not the professional politicians cannot understand or see in right way what they are doing and what for.

—I am talking to you as I can see that you have a lot of interesting connections with higher hierarchies thank to your monastic attitude toward life. In your dark hours you managed to find light in your earlier monastic incarnations in India and early Europe in Bulgaria and others early Christianized countries, where you learned to write and record and think what you had wrote down as you did with me, making me to recall what kind of presidents had influenced America’s destiny.

 —We are still the center of European civilization, but for how long, if we will go to hell fast with cocaine expansion, it is so terrible right now…

—What will happen to Germany?

—I prefer not to think about morbid predictions that are haunting all Germans today. We are falling into a pit. Are our days over, and what did happen to our children and grandchildren?  Do we have a mission in it, did we do something wrong, can we ask some higher hierarchy representative to talk to us? Right now?

—Jesus? You are busy, I can see you saying to all mediums that you are now a free man who can talk. Tell us what the heck is awaiting Europe, USA, Canada, and Russia at the east corner of our civilization? Talk to us if you have a minute to spare on us?

—Things come and go so fast that we cannot, and we do not have to know the way what the overall outcome would be. We do not know, and had never known ahead of time the full outcome of the fall of Atlantic greatest circle of civilizations, as Atlantis went through at least five different civilizations to collect the incredible technological baggage of high-tech knowledge that turned to be significant… The present civilization had used about 20 percent of it only, still using, not understanding the upper layers of that knowledge at all, mobilizing an army of physicists who were prepared to deal with quant physics, to develop completely new approach to the atomic splitting problem and safety issues. European civilization turned to be great by mastering heart and other higher notes into our civilization. Great high-tech innovative engineers had touched only practical part of what Atlantis was able to introduce to humanity. The offered potential is still bigger than present day engineer’s imagination.  

—Instead, we went through two devastating experience called communism and fascism. Both turned to be the biggest disappointments in latest history, the revolutions did not become possible anymore as they brought wars, and present-day war attributes are eating up the earth’s energy potential. It is an open paradox that no one knew how to explain. Jesus’ civilization involves heart, it includes our emotion, Buddhist compassion, Christians say, “Do to your brother, what you expect your brother do to you.” And put this saying in the center of our ethics and get most bloody war arsenal in history of humanity!

—What we do with Russian war heads, what we do with American war heads? America had not won a single war, thank God! Russia had won every war that has been initiated against her, and up to these days Russia is the bigger threat that humanity can face today. I hate politics. But this comes across my mind when I think about it. Putin is worse than Stalin who was a schizophrenic at the first place, and he was afraid of his own people and, as result, tamed that nation in Gulags.

—And he was creating similar life beyond and around the Gulags as well. Sometimes that were not much differences living in Gulag, or beyond its walls.  

—Putin did not repeat Stalin’s mistakes, he made the smart Russians love him! They believe in him, without any understanding what kind of warheads had Putin with his bustards built behind the back of his people and what kind of military power is now in their hands, and no one has any idea how to stop them now… Tramp did 77 mistakes in handling Russians, Biden is complete idiot, and France and English and rest of the Europe are sitting in mud, they fight they priorities, defend their landmarks against Muslims invasion, and everything reminds us the last days of Roman Empire. We look like them at the last days, and Russians are Huns of our days.

—I ask myself, where are today all these small nations that raised their heads during last days of Roman Empire? And I have found out for myself as a writer that we had no idea what did happen to them — not in what human masses they reincarnated, how they disappeared after doing the last job: erasing great Roman Empire from the face of the earth.

—I wanted to come and talk about literature, do you remember we set out to speak about saving America literature from the constant flow of senseless detective stories, a sea of them… But I left it to you to find out… I promised you that I come back, because now I am going to find out what happened to German different tribes, like Huns, Visigoths, Goths, who were there more… Let think why and how, Romans failed, exercising such cruelty as crucifying alive men, the best ones to the crosses all over the country… opening the doorways to Christianity, a religion of the poor and people in misery, promising them rest in heaven what is not the truth at all… Continuing search of improvement can be seen as time of resting or compensation for difficulties at earth. Ok, we cannot improve no Christianity not Judaism… 

Do you use cocaine?

—Once you use it, you will never get over it completely. I can only learn to control the urges. I was lucky guy to get such man on my way to recovery from senseless use cocaine as food.

—Who helped you in this delicate matter?

—This is my secret. He came down from higher hierarchy and he was capable to help.

—Did you regret that accident with rifle, rifle cleaning incident, did you do it on purpose, was it a moment of desperation, bad mood, or a chronic state of mind?

—It was chronic state of mind, and it was worsening, and it ran in family. My father did the same, he arrived to the same spot of desperation, alcohol, women and finances, not enough money for familyused to live large. We all become old, sooner than we expect. You have happy character, you can laugh, when I would   shoot that Marta at the entrance, for her stupid rudeness…

—She was hoping to get from you some money, or some lighter form of bribery like a bag of candy, I believe.

—It was obvious…

—How was your transition to the other side after the fatal shooting accident?

—So, I shoot yourself in the heart, and the next moment I saw light straight above me. I thought it was a film projector, but no, it was special light, and it was not from this world, so I was done with the earth, and first moment I was terribly happy, but soon I saw something terrible in front of me, a pack, a knot, a  clump of snakes. They were ready crawl back into me, my stomach, but it was already an impossibility for them. They tried to byte me, opening their mouths wide open, and attempting to hit me into neck preferably. But there were always slime space that they could not overcome, there were always some centimeters, or inches missing to bridge the space between me and them. So I was lost and thought where this thing is coming from, and why they want to byte me?

Then I was told that this is my desperation, chronic pain that was attracting more pain from all over the world here I was stung some time… 

Do not interrupt me… please, I am tired from being taught and interrupted on every step I do in this antilife I am in. I ask them all the time let me go, make me become a Cuban fisherman, and I will be drinking on daily bases and always happy.

However, soon on my Judgment Day in front of a jurist, or judges, or lawyers, or entire jury that was judging me, I was asked why you did it having such wonderful record of your life story..

—Bring this to me, I will edit this for you, they would fuck it up anyway, did you like editors?

—Not really, they make your story average, they simplify it.

—All right things are average things. You are right to my surprise. I was done and no one wanted to talk to me, they were probably feeling guilt offering me housing on the 7th level of astral world. Heavenly world, or astral world, which is better, call lit whatever you like!

—To cut long story short I found myself in the company of drunkards, users, and smokers, all bad things together, and in the middle of their ever-lasting fiesta, I was the loneliest man in hell!  Then I started to think that it was time to do something about it.

And I started to do unherdable thing, I started to collect empty bottles and  load them in one corner of my space and remains of food and our dogs’ excrements to another part of replica of my house and garden.

—How that replica looked?

—It looked terrible, I had a beautiful house, my pride and honor …  but in replica it was gray, dirty, and not combed at all…   It was more like Cuban fishermen’s lavatory…. It was nasty to me… I will edit this for you. I was told that this was reality and truth that we cover hiring people, paying them, instead of creating order in our own souls. And I literally hired myself to clean my house, can you believe it, to hire yourself to serve you as the reminiscence of your fame?

 And it helped, but not at the start, I did it about 4 or 5 years on daily bases. At the beginning I did clean a corner, but it turned back by itself becoming uncleaned by itself, and I was told that this girth comes from my dirty thoughts, unclean desires, and senseless depression, as they think that money problems were not worth to be worried about.

Then the change occurs. I was in bathroom taking the shower. Suddenly I sensed that the house startled as some waking up elephant trying to get up on his feet… Then I realized that the replica of my house was seeking balance for moving upward. We were slowly leaving my 7th level and rising toward someplace else. I wanted to run to the window and got confirmation that we were moving up not down, that this is not the drunk hallucination, or illusion, or materialization of my secret wish to overcome my friendship with Castro in form of drunk fishermen’s company around me.  But the instant I was touching the shower door to look, how we move toward the clouds, I was warned that my heavy body may You arrived on the level 17 disturb the balance and we may fell back on solid ground.  The move upward lasted for a while and stopped finally. I crawled to the entrance door and opened it… My house stood on the ground of my own front yard. Firstly, I touched the ground with hand, and found the feel of grass to be average.  Then I got up and lifted my leg over the threshold end assured self that I did not disturb any balance, and ground could, probably hold my weight. After a while I brought remaining leg out of the house and forced myself to make my first step on the familiar front yard surrounding the replica of my house. Was I back at my home, and was I getting up onto this green and blossoming new place in a dream?

You arrived in a seventeenth level of the astral world occupied mostly by writers and journalists. We hope, you will be happy here and chose and find yourself a proper occupation in your next round down there on earth. You have time to continue to be explorer and writer if you wish so.

—Getting from level seven to level seventeen happened some time ago and being still there tells me that at least some of my sins have been forgiven.

—Will you be a writer in your next incarnation?

—Not exactly, but do not ask who I would be. It can change, and I may return to be a writer again. 

My Mother and I

Part One. My Mother and I

My mother and I disliked each other for different reasons. When she flew into the house from the garden, where she was always busy planting or weeding something, I knew that today, like yesterday and the day before yesterday, I had done something wrong, and she would scold me again, “You are already a big girl, and you should know… ” and I asked myself what I should know, what I have forgotten, and what I do not know. And she did not like it either when dad came home from work, and I ran to meet him shouting, “Daddy has come!” Mom went into herself, and fell silent, and turned her back to us, and then, pretending that she was picking up something from the floor, awkwardly and stealthily glanced at us. I felt that she also wanted to run up to us and hug us and jump with us across our room in granny’s large and empty house “poskakushki” — “jump-jump-jump!” and laugh merrily, but something hold her back and forbade her to be happy. She continued to stand at the bedside table, her face darkened, and her eyes were examining what was written on that pharmacy bag, which she finally found on the floor near their bed, as if these pills had ever cured someone, and as if she had to memorize that boring Latin, as if subduing herself receiving the highest scores at some examination when our dad finally got home from the swamp, where he dug up peat and cut out “tablets” for heating and cooking in entire Paide, a small town in Estonia, where God stack us to live. Now dad was washing, changing clothes, and we sat down to dinner …

… I am wearing a yellowish straw hat with wide edges, a red velvety jacket with a white starched collar, and a short beige-checked skirt. Mom managed to dress both herself and me decently, her little hands were skillful, fast, and busy, always busy, busy, maybe too fast, and too busy …Mister Kübler brought a shiny tray of candy made of multicolored, sugar-sprinkled marmalade. “Mom, buy me that little basket from which a bird with a beak is sticking out,” I whined, turning my eyes from the pastry chef and his tray with masterpieces of confectionery art to Mom. A pastry chef in a white coat looks at mom inquiringly, stretching out his hand to a pack of box stocks, now he will take one such box, skillfully fold the edges, and I will point at masterpieces which ones to move from the tray to the box … But mom smiles guiltily, and we move hurriedly out of this bursting from tasty aromas confectionary paradise. “Today there is no money, tomorrow, tomorrow we will be back, and I’ll buy you sweets,” Mom says quickly. We both know that tomorrow there will be no marmalade, but the gooseberry jelly that is boring to all of us. I will move the plate aside, say: “No, don’t!”, And the day will come when my mother look at my father pleadingly, and he, combed and dressed on Sunday morning, will declare sternly, “Eat jelly, otherwise I will have to take a strap!” – “Daddy and the strap! They are going somewhere, and I am holding them back … Will Dad hit me with a strap?” I feel like crying, but I do not cry. A betrayal took place, the wordless agreement of unbreakable friendship between me and my father was violated. Something dark and terrible rose its head in me. We, father, and I looked at each other as two enemies. I am scared, I see that it is possible that he will take the strap … Will it hurt if he hits me? But newly discovered “Mr. Terrible” in me says: “No, dad will not hit me!” I moved a plate of jelly closer to me, as if stirring jelly. “Go, go, my mother and father.” —  I mumbled under my breath. — “I will continue to drive the spoon over the jelly until the second coming, what does this mean “the second coming”? They finally went to borrow money to supply their daughter with candy, as my mother promised me, but I knew the money would float away for something else.

Time was passing fast. Childhood is over, father and me, we do not dance together our “poskakushki”, when he is coming home from his work. I do not shout, “Daddy came home,” and I no longer run to meet him … I am already a big girl. If I would know what was awaiting us, and what it would turn into, and how I would love my father again when he would no longer be with us!

… I am six years old, and the fatal numbers 1-9-4-0 were approaching all Baltic nations!

80 years later, living already in California, I met my father in spirit, and we talked. I asked him if he remembered how he threatened to hit me with a strap for refusing to eat gooseberry jelly.

“Of course, I remember,” my father replied. – You stared at me with pupils dilated with horror, and I felt ashamed, so ashamed!

– Do you remember, papa, how we saw you off to the war? The town’s only square was empty, an old truck drove up with an unfamiliar Estonian already sitting in its body. He was not looking at anyone. And you were ordered to climb into same body of the same truck. And on the square, there was no one else but my mother and me, and you, pale, lost, were silent, and we were silent, and I thought how the heck we managed to annoy God so heavily that he took Dad away from us. The truck’s old engine began to rumble and spit, and it started to pick up speed. Finally, the truck disappeared together with my father, as I saw him in my childhood.

I remember, before the Reds came, the presentiment of the onset of something formidable and inevitable made our pets, cats and dogs behave strangely. Our white spitz Aska bit me painfully in the heel and instead of running away to avoid punishment, poked guiltily her wet nose into my leg. Mom’s favorite, “Frenchwoman” Mimi, or the red-haired coquette Mimishka, angrily wrapped herself around my mother’s hand, and looking guiltily up into  mother’s eye’s dug her claws into her hand deeper and deeper, then, losing patience, abruptly let go of her hand, instilling that she was giving up on us,  because we were hopeless because we did not listen to her that we should not sit around the veranda table and drink tea, but hid under the bushes until the ground under our bottom would stop groaning, sobbing and shuddering, and then you would crawl out of bushes and would think later what to do already sitting at a broken trough.

Mimishka’s prophetic dream

A fire was blazing in the fireplace, and Mimishka, sitting by the fire, admired the merry dance of the flame. When she got tired of flames’ Polovetsian dance  she turned her gaze to the glazed door leading to the garden, to the flower bed, right behind the glazed door and dreamed of how she would sit down in the morning under some newly blossoming flower and greet the rising sun and rejoice the coming day. But here her dreams were interrupted by a mouse that appeared out of nowhere, which jumped out, it seemed, right out of the fireplace flame, and rushed to circle around Mimishka, as if stunned. Mimishka, delighted with such luck, stretched out her front paw and stretched lazily, but confidently for the mouse. But in an eyeblink, a second mouse jumped out of the fireplace and began to circle in the opposite direction around Mimishka.

And my mother’s beloved one, the red-haired Mimishka fell into prostration. What kind of mouse should she catch, the one that spins to the right, or the one that spins to the left, from South to North, or from North to South? And the longer she thought, the faster the mice circled, and the more impossible it was to decide which one to chase, or both, but – how? Can a cat chase two mice at the same time, and what can be done when luck is under its very nose, but you do not know how to grab it, and instead of chasing the mouse, Mimishka fell into deeper prostration, into complete unconsciousness!

Finally, the day has come, which our favorites dogs and cats, canaries and turtles, hamsters and forest deer were so afraid of. It was not in vain that the ground sobbed under the stomp of tarpaulin boots on the feet of the Red Army soldiers, whose march went through the capitals of the three Baltic republics of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania. After the meeting of the leaders of nations, Molotov, and Ribbentrop, the “father of nations” Stalin got the Baltic, and Hitler got Poland, and Stalin seized his share confidently, in some miserable three days. And the vocabulary of the Russian language was enriched with the expression … “put to the wall”, that is, shot accused and non-accused citizens of the Baltic countries. An eerie rumor spread throughout Estonia that there, on the northern coast, a structure had arisen, where special trains brought well-dressed women with children from Czechoslovakia, and at night black smoke billowed from the chimneys of this building, and it was not so difficult to guess what for the chimneys were smoking, and the people thought when the Jews would end, whether the builders of these stoves would not take on the Estonians, who knows, and when the Red Russians come, they will definitely shove some of them into Siberian refrigerators – the locals thought. And the pipes, meanwhile, continued to smoke.

Listening to these terrible rumors, I remembered our Mimishka, who fell into prostration looking at the mice that circled around her in opposite directions. And I dreamed of European peoples, who fell into a daze from the impending war, in which one leader, either Adolf or Adik, having gathered hordes, moved from the West to the East, and another dry-handed bastard either Dzhugashvili, or Stalin from the word “steel”, was going to move in the opposite direction, from East to West, both fighting for dominance over the world… And all sorts of peoples on their way, like Estonians, brave Finns, and others, for example, the Belgians, Romanians, Hungarians, Bulgarians, Czechs and Slovaks, the French and Italians with Mussolini, a personal friend of Adik at the helm, as well as Poles, Latvians and Lithuanians, accompanied  by unsettled Gypsies, and courageous  Scandinavians  along the way, fell into a daze, and inability to decide which side to prefer if Adik’s side put mothers and children in stoves to breath in vapors of potassium cyanide, or the withered side that scattered them like rotten pears along the Siberian refrigerators, in which direction the people should run? But nothing lasts forever under the sky, and the strength of Adik and the withered one finally dried up, and humanity, saddened by the losses, discovered that throwing forward hands for Adik, and the ascension of the withered one to heaven, like shouting “To Stalin we will win this war! We won’t be stingy by paying our winning bills!” cost humanity 50 million ruined souls, and how many died in the Soviet freezers, stays still uncounted! Humanity was shortened, but people were glad when sucking them into that big war was, finally, stopped!

The children of my generation, born shortly before the war, were called in Russia “podranki”, the cut, or wounded for our hungry childhood and fatherlessness, and mothers  gathered that while the greats were fighting, people should think not about victory and glory, orders and medals, but about food for themselves, for children and hungry fellow travelers, so that they do not look sadly into some other’s well-fed mouths. And my little mother knew that all what her life would come to, would be hard work many years to come.

These dinners

I remember these dinners, the war was over, my mother was a widow, my brother who was nearing age six, hated these dinners, because when Mom and Aunt Zhenya cooked them, the stench of excitement floated in the air, the smell of burnt meat, stale food, unwashed dishes, a heavy mood … extreme irritation, in which people forget themselves and insult each other, and  end up not talking  to each other spending eons to overcome senseless ward war, which neither the screamers nor the subjects of wild attacks did not recall. The reasons for quarrels, offenses, nicknames have long been forgotten, only the consequences remain in the memory, because anger becomes the eternal companion of these people. According to the great law of the universe, about which people know little and do not want to know, because it is not easy to live according to this law – the law of attraction of one’s own kind – poverty attracts poverty, wealth attracts wealth, mediocrity attracts mediocrity, talent attracts talent – for example,  the mysterious coming together of the well-known “mighty bunch of Russian composers” which included Mussorgsky, or the Abramtsevo of Savva Mamontov, a dormitory of painters, Korovin, Serov, Vrubel and the long list of wonderful artists, laughter attracts laughter, kindness attracts kindness, and then other laws of the universe come into force.

I remember that during Sundays of that period in our life, Lidusenka and Makusenka, as they were called mockingly were the first to appear from around the corner of Green Street, Lydia Mitrofanovna, small and dry and dark from smoking cigarettes, and Margaret, a fat, whitish Russianized German woman … When they, leaning on sticks, smoothly swaying from old age, moved slowly, but, surely, in our direction, I, the girl, inappropriately and disrespectfully recalled the song about Stenka Razin “From behind the island to the rod, to the vast river waves, painted, sharp-breasted canoes swam out …” performed by Shalyapin, which were often broadcast by radio.

Perhaps such an association was evoked in me by the everlasting fashion of Lydia Mitrofanovna, or Lidusenka. She wore only black in the centuries-old mourning for her husband, who had died untimely in tsarist times, the postmaster. Her little black dress was completed with an unusual headdress, reminding the wear of Catholic nuns. A small hat in the shape of a black saucepan was adorned with a black veil with a tightly attached boa and a  peace of black silk which was falling down to her waist fluttering frivolously in the windy air, like two black flags on a pirate ship! No, the whole figure of Lidusenka did not resemble a Persian princess, but rather a sharp-chested shuttle carrying her friend, big and helpless Margarita – Makusenka to a tolerable end!

No, Stenka Razin would not lift Makusenka by the neck with one hand and by the legs with the other and thrown her into the Volga as a tribute to the river for the gold and diamonds presented to him … Little, dry Makusenka would destroy the brave Razin, and save her Margarita, the size of an Indian elephant. Ah, grandmother, grandmother Lyuba, I think that this couple, Makusenka with a smoking cigarette in his teeth, and with the silent Makusenka, constituted in your imagination the core of the future Russian sociality in Paide. The Teutonic knights, the founders of the Weisenstein fortress, around which the town of Paide has grown, turned over in their coffins … In addition, in the ranks of the Russians who came to mother’s dinners, there was a certain unknown Rasinevich, a faceless gentleman in a gray suit worn out to obsceneness. He sat at the end of dinner table what enabled him to disappear at the end of food consumption without thank-you ceremony or exchanging any single word with no one. Probably, life managed to teach him silence as the surest mean of survival. I remember the conductor of the Russian church choir, Madame Irina Schmidt with a tuning fork in her hands, with a silver fox on her shoulder, and a strong-willed chin. She came to us from Narva, a border town between Russia and Estonia. There were more of them, but the faces of visiting priests and chorus girls changed and disappeared from my memory.

Finally, I am ordered to set the table. I place deep plates for soup and plates for a the main dinner meal on a clean tablecloth, then place a soup spoon, knife and fork for each appliance, and finish my work by adding a small plate for bread and a glass of water. They did not trust me to take out food, I would stumble, fall, spill, overturn, and I did not insist with help in this crucial part of the dinner ceremony – to carry and dispense food to the guests!

I try to count from memory how many cutleries there were … maybe seven, eight on one side of the table, and one or two sets less on the opposite side, which was closer to the kitchen, from where the expected dishes began to appear, as at Sunday lunches in old houses of Russian landowners … First, they poured golden broth into deep plates and brought already cut into portions fresh, straight from the oven fragrant pie with cabbage or mushrooms, or with rice and minced meat, and the guests, with trepidation, began to absorb the gold of the transparent broth and the freshest cabbage pie, then chicken meat baked in a stove on red coals, or pork tenderloin, adored equally by those who ate pork easily, especially in the north, and those who were advised by religion to abstain from pork in South countries during eras before the appearance of refrigerators in our lives, which changed a lot in our relationship with food. … Then came mother’s made compote that mixed pears and plums. Today, in America, I buy peach compote in metal jars, it is good, but it is in no way comparable with what was made in that Paide kitchen when my mother reigned there in honor of Lyubov Petrovna’s acquaintances, picking pears and plums from miraculously survived trees in the garden behind the grandmother’s house, already abandoned, when the red councils placed the city kindergarten in granny’s house. Mom chose only ripe fruits for compotes, and semi-ripe and not at all ripe fruits went into cans of supermarkets, the acid of which was covered with excess sugar, which finally spoiled the taste and aroma of the favorite dessert, loved in both hemispheres of the world.

But dinner will not last forever, the guests worked quickly accompanied by the chime of forks and spoons. Then they indistinctly uttered a quick thank you to our mother, the cook, and then flew up to Lyubov Petrovna, lingered with wishes for her good health, exchanged outstanding news of city life, of which there were not many, and disappeared to materialize next Sunday.

Already today, while communicating with my father’s spirit, I once asked him where those dinners came from, and why my mother agreed to carry this burden, because of which she had to maintain a whole barnyard – alone!

Father’s answer was vague.

– You know, as the saying goes, a man does not live by bread alone … My mother forced Tamara, your mother, to cook these dinners by force … By that time Vika was gone, Yurik was gone, and my father, Gregory was not there, he left first, and I was not there, I, the fool, who jumped out of the trench, because it smelled of urine there, and the field behind the trench was clean and smooth and empty, and reminded me of the last field that I sowed on the estate that the German banker managed to get me to buy with money on credit. They knew that I would pass this money to the owners of the estate who were leaving Estonia for their Fatherland, Germany, because Hitler was calling them to return home! In other words, I turned out to be that donkey who siphoned money, and not small ones, from a bank pocket to a private pocket. Their conscience did not torment them, they knew that the leaders of the nations had reached an agreement, and Stalin would receive the promised — the Baltic states, and they would get Poland that would annul the credits, as change of political regimes would make all agreements fly out of the window! However, the donkey, as I was, had no idea about anything, because the donkey was not interested in politics, and they were sure of my class, that is, superficial decency, and they were not mistaken! I gave the credit money to the enthusiastic travelers, and never heard of them again … But I lived the life of a landowner for a whole year, there was something to remember in the Urals, at the Velikiye Luki battlefield, on the Estonian island of Saaremaa, where I finished my earthly journey, so close to my home!

But I did not escape my fate, I was not given to plow and sow and harvest. The Reds burst in, and at that very moment they took my estate away from me, and they mobilized me, and from a landowner, I suddenly became a soldier of the Soviet Army. And only in the Urals, from conversations with the Russians, the donkey, me, realized that his luck had not left him, as it could be way worser. For the fact that I allowed to transfer money that would depreciate into the pockets of the Germans leaving for Germany, if someone had reported this to Russians, the Chekists would have shot me for cooperation with the Germans on the spot, or sent to the Gulag, but apparently they were short of those who were mobilized into ranks of the Soviet Army, and the Russian roulette carried me into the ranks of the Estonian Guards Corps, at that time, already part of the Soviet Army, where we were re-educated, in short, saturated with hatred of the enemy.

…Stop me when I speak to much and too long. I noticed that I bore normal people who pay debts and think where to eat deliciously, where to find a woman who … I am glad that you are not rushing with the herd to the cliff …

“By the way, Dad, if you never met the people to whom you gave away the money that bank lent to you for buying the estate, then our mother met the aging mistress of that estate after the war, in Brezhnev’s time when perestroika seeds were practically sewn into Russian soil. Brezhnev seemed to be tightening the screws…. But as soon as it became clear that foreigners were sending expensive cars of incredible, unseen beauty to the Secretary of the Communist Party and no one had ever seen him in a military jacket, and in public he was shown in impeccable branded men’s suits, communist totalitarianism began to give its first serious cracks. Timid foreigners began to come to us, and we were no longer put in Gulags for exchanging words with foreigners, and among these foreigners there was a German woman who had come to visit her native Estonia. And she knocked on our door!

The women hugged, and my mother baked a pie, and the ladies sat down to remember the old days. When the first joyful exclamations and greetings subsided, and the women began to “speak” looking old and new photos, as the German woman took out a pack of German photographs from her purse, and our mother took out the bulky family album of that Paide, which was no longer there, laughter and joy of meeting changed to sobbing and tears. On the table were laid out photographs of irrecoverable losses both on the German and Russian sides … The German woman came without an interpreter, nevertheless, the women sat over the photographs of their husbands who had not returned from the war, and the German woman recalled her killed and missing sons until late in the evening, until a lady from the tourist firm took our guest back to hotel.

When the guest was gone, Mom was putting slowly the tea service back on the top shelf of the sideboard, still deep in memories of more joyous times, when they both were young and hoped for the brighter future that never came to them.

I was still talking my father’s spirit in Los Angeles.

—Recalling mother deep in her thoughts when cleaning the table after our German tea party, I realized that Grandmother Luba apologized in her way when she talked to me for the first time for this still unfinished book. I wrote down her words but did not grasp the meaning. Of course, she apologized for these dinners, but it was so hidden that I did not immediately get involved in the context of the message. With our dinners, she tried, so to speak, to resurrect a kind of society, and to make up for the fact that Estonian society, as it seemed to my grandmother, did not accept either her or our family into its ranks. It never occurred to my grandmother that there was no Estonian society in her understanding among Estonians. Their society was reduced to a nationwide Song Festival, but it was a formal celebration, a concert that had nothing to do with secular society. The Germans ruled harshly, and they did not intend to drink or eat, or share their dinner time with their slaves! And even in my time in Estonia, Estonians did not accept me “into their society” that is, into a society of fuss, drunkenness and, finally, a lot of random copulations with all bestial consequences… We mutually shunned each other. And thus, I guarded my dignity in my profession, and my name among professionals appeared by itself, without patronage or support of a mythical “strong hand” on the side.

Papa, tell me, why it was so that no one ever offered Mom help to clear the table and wash the dishes, no one ever congratulated Mom on Easter, Christmas, or New Year, no one ever offered Mom, at least one-time cash assistance, no one ever sent us a greeting card for the holidays, no one gifted children, at least my little brother a symbolic toy. We were the children of a slave, a refugee from Red Russia … I remember that I did not expect anything from those who came to dinner, but the knowledge that we were not quite the same, what we were supposed to be in their eyes, did not fit into my head.

When I look at my mother’s life back today, I see one thing that never occurred to me earlier. Ironically, when her age went over nineties, she found herself “in her society” that never came to my grandmother.  At a time she already lived in Tallinn, and  in Russian church he met some of her acquaintances from her past, now also old ladies.  And they started their “old ladies club” by meeting once a month alternatingly in each other’s home for a party, dressed and make-upped. I never took part of it, but I noticed that when she organized these tea parties at her home or returned from that party at her newly found friend’s home, she looked joyous and happy, like ten years younger…  It did not occur to me to ask her who proposed to start “the club”, was it her, or was it someone else?  It lasted some years, until one of the “girls,” as they called themselves, died suddenly.  Then another died… but club lasted its activity, when the day arrived, when our mother found herself alone, her “club” vanished, stopped to exist! But she knew that in her old days she was accepted and loved by her friends. Her afterlife catastrophe started when she returned to live with her parents…
She sought a way out of her childhood past that came to haunt her, and she sought an escape route and was lost in jungle of her personal problems… We will arrive to description of this catastrophe in the second part of this story.         

Haymaking, Dry Hay in Mom’s Solar Plexus Chakra

With help of meditation, I remember my mother’s hay business during war time and first years after war when our cow was helping us out with scarce food supply.

… I see my mother’s hands lifting cubes of dry hay on a pitchfork of unbearable weight, dry hay scratched her legs and face. The heaps of dry grass were lifted on a pitchfork onto a cart, and our old horse Yulka, a family favorite, who replaced both a truck and a car, dragged the overloaded cart through the entire hayfield, with wheels buried in soft soil to a rickety barn where it would stay for feeding our cow in winter months. In spring time the cows would be sent to pasture on green grass on a site allocated by the city authorities for all urban cows. At that time, we were not the only ones who raised a cow to survive. The public herd was guarded mainly by children on a strict schedule. When it was my turn to watch, take out and take home our cow, I took a book with me and read all day on the pasture, which did not prevent the cows from picking the grass right there next to my book. For example, I read Anna Karenina by Lev Tolstoy on that pasture. The episode of Anna’s forbidden meeting with her little son, who was rushing into his mother’s arms made me cry. The tears flowed, which the cows tactfully did not notice, continuing to chew the grass. I do not remember a more fertile environment for reading classics, like those happy days when I grazed the cows in the pasture. Complete indifference to my person in the cows reached an inner agreement with my presence on the field with them. I did not interfere with them, and they did not interfere with me. Never once has a cow emitted its excrement on an open book or anywhere near me. We simply do not understand anything in the minds of those around us, both domestic and wild animals. Through the cow’s indifference there was an unconscious warmth, if not to me personally, then to a peaceful existence, the inception of creativity – for cows this was milk production, for me, creating a world in which Tolstoy’s novel lives, and in which I live while I empathize with the novel’s action.
A disturbing memory of gathering of the dark rain clouds in the sky appears on my third eye screen. And Mother is nervous that she will not have time to take the dry hay under the roof, and if moistened by rain, it will die. I remember praying to all saints asking them to disperse the clouds, and my little Mom, standing high on a heap of hay like a divisional commander, orders to flickering below assistants, “Faster, faster, there is room for two, three more rows to fit in, do not sleep there on the pitchfork, pick up the hay, faster, faster, one drop has already fallen on me from the sky, soon it will pour, pick up the hay, faster, faster!”

I continue to meditate, a white-winged angel comes down from the sky and dresses up my mother in a golden dress, puts a diamond necklace around her neck so that she will forget this hay, and recall being not a divisional commander, but a small and beautiful woman!

When our Yulka barely reached the cart under the roof of our twisted barn, waves of thunder rolled through the universe, lightning flashed, a tree caught fire pierced by fiery arrow of an angry deity, and the atmosphere was discharged by pouring rain! Having finished transferring the hay from Yulka’s cart to the corner of the shed, where the roof did not leak, Mom, wet with sweat, and covered in hay, slipped down the slope of the laid dry grass on the floor and sat down on a plank. Someone handed her a can of cold water, and my mother began to drink greedily, then, carefully pouring the rest of the water onto her hand, she wiped her face, neck, and hands from the dust from dry hay that had set in her skin. I felt my mother’s moistened skin seething with pain from irritation from the myriad injections of dry grass, but then accepted flowing water, and skin on her hands calmed down. I looked out the barn gate raising my gaze to the clouds in the sky. I already knew that angry rains like this one do not last long! They spoil the hay, but the earth will soar in white steam for a long time, returning the waters of the world’s oceans back to the clouds!

I was convinced that after her transition from here to the next world, her hardship here would grant her a generous reward, a worry-free life in eternity. I did not know yet that I was cruelly mistaken, and her life after death would not be beautiful or amazing. But if it would be so, then where was the truth, and why, why, and why it would be difficult for her in her afterlife as well?

The Last Conversation

On that April day in 2005, I was thinking obsessively about my mother. 16 years ago, I fled from Estonia to the United States of America, leaving my mother in the care of my brother, her belove son, Vsevolod, or in short —Sevo! Over the years, we got used to the prevailing circumstances, and at first, we called once a week, and then less often, since I did not always have enough funds for frequent telephone calls from California to Tallinn, Estonia. So, it was this time. I called her a couple of days ago, and all our simple current affairs were discussed, and the problems were sorted out and decided what to do about them. Mom said that she had a bit of a cold because at evening she was too lazy to get up and close the window, but that in all other respects she was fine, and that Sevo and Madli come in often, and I do not need to worry about her in my America.

Nevertheless, the aching in me did not subside, and I caught myself looking for an excuse to call Mom in Estonia. Despite the late hour, I still dialed an Estonian phone number. Sevo visited her at that late hour to be sure that she would take her prescribed medicine. He picked up the phone and handing over the phone to his mother, he said, “Take it, it is Tatiana calling from America!” Mom did not answer to my greetings. She continued to be silent. I heard her even breathing, probably she had a cold, but it was light, there were no wheezing, no moans, no emotions of irritation or haste, no desire to speak either with me or with anybody else.  “Mom, talk,” Sevo urged her. “This is Tatiana calling from America!” He repeated, accentuating the word “America”.

Mom was silent, and I suddenly realized that she was just listening to me. We did not speak, and at the same time, we did say something important to each other. For the first time together, my mother spoke to her daughter, asking who she was and how to say something most important what was not said before. But with what words?

Maybe because she spoke not with words, but with feelings for which there are nether needed words, we continued to listen to the talk of our souls, and this was the best and perhaps the only worthwhile “conversation.” Mom gave up the attempt find missing words,  for her the impossible words about love and heaven, God and angels, and about a chiffon dress with orange poppies scattered across a sky-blue field, what I imagined her wearing instead of her working attire when she did her hay… she listened quietly to our telephone breathing.

Suddenly, her inner voice dried up, and I realized that she was tired. I wished her good night, and she handed the phone back to Sevo, and I said goodbye to him too. Four hours later, Sevo called me back from Estonia to California. Soon after our conversation, my mother fell asleep, and quietly and imperceptibly left, left her body, that is, died in a dream. She had three weeks until her 99th birthday.

Part Two. My Mother’s Afterlife

After my mother’s transition to a better world, I received two spiritual messages from her. She asked me to light a candle when I was thinking about her, because in that case, a “mirror candle” would appear in her home, enlivening the feeling of connection with the family on earth. In the last message, she said that our dad, Vladimir Senior, war casualty, found her and now, in their common afterlife, they are trying to catch up with their lost youth.

However, their hope that their restored union would be “long and happy” turned out to be illusory, not real. The war changed his father, he began to drink and use cocaine, and the mother’s joyless earthly life made her more decisive and stubborn, in short, life changed them both! And the difficulties of their relationship made me rethink a lot of what I managed to learn about the life of souls in the astral plane. When the book Prisoners of Fame was being written, Myrna Loy, “the queen of the Hollywood screen of the thirties,” Marlene Dietrich and Cary Grant emphasized that everything in the subtle world moves and changes faster and more thoroughly than in the reflection of these changes on earth. Indian guru Yukteswar Giri, author of the book “Sacred Science”, briefly summarized the difference between life on earth and in heaven: “I never argue when someone tells me incredible stories that happened to him in the astral world, because in the subtle worlds everything is possible!”

Seven years after my mother’s death, I was approached by a male spirit James, who held the position of manager of the territory set aside for the former Golden Hollywood actors, now in spirit. He helped arrange my meetings with some of these actors for the book Prisoners of Fame. This time he hit me with the shocking news that my mother was … pregnant!

Life in the astral world gave my mother what she never had on earth — time to think about everything. And her union with my father broke up, therefore, her relationship with my grandmother Luba, that is, with the Elmanovich family and the Masoedovs’ lineage also disintegrated, in short, she renounced relations with her past on earth and decided to follow her path without any support, alone.

In fact, her departure from the family began earlier, at the time of my relationship with one of the participants of the critical period of Russian literature, when the foundation of modern literature was being laid. Let the consciousness, which played one of the key roles at that time, be called Mr. N. Can a relationship arise between a person in the flesh and a person in the astral body? I think there is no simple answer to this question, there are many examples of negative experience in this area, but there are also enough examples of the opposite. It turns out that the matter is not so much in the shape of our bodies as in the conformity of our minds.

My third eye, then in power, long before it became a toy in the hands of the evil spirit of Vladimir Vysotsky, which I will tell you about later, opened a vision of a long corridor. I saw Mr. N approaching me. He asked if he could come home and have a shower, since he had spent some time with the gypsy beauties. I replied that he can have it in a public bath, in short, I did not show sufficient delight from his late return after having fun with the young and beautiful gypsies.

At the same time, on the right, my father and mother came up to me. At the same time Mr. N began to move away from me. My Mom suddenly left my father where he was, ran up to me and spoke quickly, “What are you doing, he will leave you now, he will find a place to shower, you kicked him out! Give it to me! Give him to me!”

I raised my hand, and said, “God is my witness, I give it to you, if you can handle him!” And my “third eye, a huge purple circle between my eyebrows, took the time out, stopped serving me. The vision of the strange hall disappeared!

You will never hear about the complexities of relationships in the subtle world at the evenings of spiritual communication conducted by famous mediums. According to the established English tradition, mediums alternate attention on one of the spirits, ask his name, and communicate this name to the audience. If someone responds to the call, then the long-awaited meeting of the spirit and his relative or acquaintance in an earthly audience may take place. The medium tries to see or feel the facts he needs from the life of the spirit to communicate them to audience, often with amazing accuracy knowing that a relative or acquaintance of the spirit in the audience will confirm or deny these facts. This is how famous mediums James Van Praagh, Hollister Rand, English medium Robert Brown, and many others work. Often, brilliantly presented evidence of a spirit’s identity makes the audience to burst into an applause, and mediums rush to the next spirit to reunite him with someone in the audience.

These dialogues between representatives of two different worlds take place as follows. Let us say that the chosen spirit for communication is a father of a certain young man from the audience. The medium united them, and now he tries to feel, see, hear several vivid facts from the life of father’s spirit on earth. The task of his son, the man in flesh, must confirm or deny these facts. But an earthly man, a son, is interested in something else, he asks, where his father lives in the next world and what is he doing over there. And the father’s spirit replies, “I am fine, not to worry! I try to look after you, I know you have some problems at work right now.” However, the medium does not have time to discuss the affairs of father and son, he needs to extract three facts from the father’s spirit that confirm the identity of the father, for example, where and how he died — at home or in the hospital, in bed or on the operating table, in a battle or in a car accident, or in the bed of a mistress. The medium literally walks on a tightrope, he cannot allow himself to be mistaken, he must enter the communication channel with the father’s spirit in a second, see with the third eye, or hear the answer, and then this answer will be correct and convincing for the audience. This work is difficult, and not many succeed. But this way of communication limits the talk about the seriousness of the problems that the most ordinary person may face in the next world.

I wanted to shift the emphasis from identifying a spirit to his afterlife description. And letting them speak and recording them, I discovered that these stories always contain, at least for me, most interesting confirmations of their identity.

James, the manager, asked if I knew how my mother got pregnant? And then he decided to console me, adding, “She will give birth to some special creature, and she will be all right again.” Up to that moment, it seemed to me that biological matter was not found in the astral plane, but I was mistaken. If my mother was pregnant in the astral plane, then there is biological life, but in what form does it exist there? And I realized that we are far from any reliable knowledge about the subtle worlds. Or maybe this manager is an ordinary liar, or was he rehearsing for a role in a sci-fi movie?

However, my guest was not finished yet. He recalled that after my mother’s transition to the astral world, she was well received by everyone who told their afterlife stories for the Prisoners of Fame. However, she misinterpreted this kindness and overstepped the bounds. In other words, I was asked to speak to her and explain to her who is who in the astral field reserved for the artists of the Golden Hollywood era. James added that from time to time they had similar problems with family members of some actors, especially actresses. My mother began to visit the Golden Hollywood actor’s garden on her own … Cold shiver ran down my spine. I had to save my relationship with people who were kind to talk to me for the book “Prisoners of Fame.” I decided to break all contacts for some time to clean the air. However, time ran fast, and before I knew it, the six years were sunk into summer. Yes, contacts were restored, but they no longer needed me or I them, as we had already forgotten each other.

I started my investigation how my mother got pregnant. My relatives remained silent and pretended not to hear my questions. Finally, an outsider took pity on me, revealing that Tamara, my mother, had an affair with a suspicious stranger whom she met on the street in her astral village. In short, I learned that the stranger who seduced my mother was a paid recruiter of guinea pigs for a suspicious scientific project to create a “man for future times.” He saw in my needy mother a promising candidate on the role of the victim of a scientific conspiracy against humanity. This is how I regarded these experiments. Perhaps the reader will have a different opinion. But for now, my mother was delighted that she would make her modest contribution to the advancement of science, and for one thing, she would earn herself, without outside help and patronage, her first house on the pasture of houses for not very wealthy “guinea pigs”. If the recruiter saw in my mother a potential “guinea pig”, then my mother saw in the recruiter a deliverer who would pull her out of the beggarly environment. It seemed to her that she was receiving a little house for a trifling service. She had already given birth to two, me and my brother Sevo, and it did not kill her! Why did she believe him? Because of monstrous provincialism, and not knowing life, oddly enough? Perhaps the point was that the recruiter came to her as a kind of seducer with a look that was approved by provincial ladies? My mother’s relationship with Mr. N turned out to be fleeting, and she saw the recruiter as a real handsome man, so it seemed to her that, in addition to the house, she would have her revenge over Mr. N. 

I was told that he was a brunette with a sexy mustache, a friendly smile, and very white teeth, which undoubtedly helped him win women’s hearts. He deftly and quickly infiltrated the trust of his victim, quickly established what she most needed, or what the “guinea pig” most wanted, and based on this, built a “mousetrap” to enslave an innocent soul. No one promised my mother a house near, say, Yasnaya Polyana, Lev Tolstoy’s estate, or in the replica of St. Petersburg, and she did not demand it. Feeling in her the consent to any house, they got off by offering her a house in the sparsely populated ash-beige desert on the outskirts of the village.

In return, she pledged to give birth to what they would fertilize her uterus with, carry the object before the due date, and give birth to a “baby” in their 12-bed laboratory hospital. The woman in labor will be delivered, along with a newborn and a traditional bouquet, costing about $ 20, and decked with a second bouquet of balloons in shades ranging from whitish to sparkling pink-reds and shimmering blues, to her new home, prepared for her grand celebration.

Mother signed everything that was slipped to her, looking forward to entering her own house. She literally ran from the laboratory to the park to share with her lover the good news that she was hired and signed all the necessary papers. He promised to wait for her on “their bench” in the far corner of a small park near the laboratory building. But alas — he was not there! She called him, but he did not respond, and she never met him again during her long walks through the streets of her village, when something grew and swelled in her stomach, and she finally wondered what was growing and swelling in it!

It will take about a year for my mother to share with her sister Evgenia, Aunt Zhenya, how things really were. After signing the agreement, she was immediately taken to the laboratory, where she was injected. The entire fertilization procedure took no more than 15 minutes. She was thanked with a polite smile, and a door was opened in front of her, leading directly to the street, on which the recruiter found her, a man of that vulgar beauty what is so dear to provincial women.

When she realized that the smiles were over and she was left alone, unprotected, a gray anxiety stirred in her mind. A lottery question what was maturing in her instigates sooner or later any pregnant woman bearing a baby — a kind soul, or the soul of Enfant the Terrible, a genius or an idiot, a handsome man or a freak, whose soul is burdened with crime throughout several incarnations in a row? She was too proud to ask anyone for help. She gave up shelter in her father’s small house. Because she knew that her father would repeat hundred times: “I told you that there is only one fear on the street! Children should stay with their parents!” Or was there something else, unknown to me, that turned her away from her parental home?

During her pregnancy Tamara, my mother, walked the streets, stubbornly looking for the person who had dragged her into Frankenstein’s dark business. Her confidence that she could handle it alone was shaken, and she annoyed strangers with a certain offer, which she learned from prostitutes on the street. In short, she began to imitate them to earn food and lodging in a shelter, but she never returned home to her father and mother. She did not ask me for help; she did not ask help from her favorite, my brother Sevo, either. In short, she turned her back on her past, on the marriage with my father, the world of my grandmother, a high-profile noblewoman, to her own family of Sirotins, who tried to climb, by hook or by crook, into the possession of Grandmother Luba, and who stubbornly refused them, unable to come to terms with that vulgarity, which the Sirotin’s were so proud, imagining themselves to be carriers of ancestral wisdom

Finally, my mother, having walked her way through the streets of the lower astral, and got acquainted with various types of shelters, poor houses, housing projects, gave birth to a creature that looked like a mixture of a man and a monkey, covered with gray monkey hair, with sharply blue eyes and half-bald, with bare, large ears. He tried to walk on two legs, but preferred to sit on the ground, like monkeys sit, having too long arms that almost touched the ground when he walked on two slightly bent legs.

Three times he appeared in my apartment as well. Since his energy was sharply different from ours, I easily recognized his presence, although nature still does not open my eyes to the vision of spirits and their world. I hear spirits, but I do not always see them. The guest sat on the floor without any greeting or desire to speak, to explain why he had come. He silently looked at me as if examining me, whether I am fit for the role of a prostitute, and whether he should become my pimp. And all three times my candidacy for transformation from the image of an old woman to the role of a prostitute with experience and knowledge was resolutely rejected. I never once tried to talk to him, I was afraid of him, and he did not arouse trust in me in any way. We must pay tribute to him, he did not seek our friendship, did not impose himself, but simply quietly retired, as if erasing me from his life forever.

My mother boldly looked at the essence of her position, abandoned, abandoned, not understood … and resigned herself to her fate! But not in the way her society expected. When her family and acquaintances urged her to “behave decently,” adhere to the standards of social behavior, she abruptly cut off moralizing. She reminded them that they had no idea what her life on earth had turned out to be, that she could remember nothing but hard work. She, the daughter of a Russian priest, will not burden God, in whom her father did not believe, with her problems. Instead, she will try to cope with her problems without asking for handouts and alms from anyone, not from friends, or enemies.

Nevertheless, on the way of her humility, Tamara, my little mother, having won an incredible victory in her rejection of the past, she reproached her teachers of exemplary decent behavior with hypothetical questions where they were when she alone, a widow, dragged her little children, bedridden mother-in-law Lubov Petrovna and her two helpless sisters Zhenya and Valya through the war, hungry and dangerous post-war decades in Sovietized Estonia? Where were they when she was experiencing the horror of the mass deportation of Estonians to Siberia, where local Russians also ended up. Where were they when the KGB offered, that is, ordered, frightening, and extorting, and practically, wringing her hands, to agree to become their informant, and she looked in the dusty attic for a hook to hang herself if she could not get rid of them. None of those teaching her now, not even family members — no one lent her a helping hand when she had to feed a horde of hungry. And she realized her right to throw in their faces: “Leave me alone and mind your own business!”

When I invited her to live in my aura, she threw the same words in my face, do not teach me! I saw in her something new, which was not in her on earth and that I, perhaps, will have to find in myself before I come to the irrevocable line of transition to another world. Can I cope with what she coped with, rejecting the world of superficial decency and vulgar half-truths, and petty lies when she chose the hard path of an independent individual?

When I offered her again the shelter in my aura, she answered that now we were even.

 —I fed you, the difficult child, because I was a wedded mother, I took that obligation given me by God. But you, leaving us in Estonia, and running away to America, did not sell your apartment, you rewrite the ownership in my name. And Zhenya and me lived there to the end in warm and comfort that we had not received before. For this you will be rewarded, but for the fact that you left us … you will pay off! We are even! I never loved you, and you never responded to me with love, you considered me a creation of the lower class, this is how you treated the mother who was not afraid of any work to feed you, you willful fool! Why carry this “I love you” American lie! Let’ us leave that to sentimental Americans who echo “I love you!” —thinking, “Fuck you!”

Years passed again, until we met, when she knocked on my door and asked me to spend the night, because somewhere, something… I did not get it what she was talking about! I still did not understand where, what and when something dangerous had happened to her.

I lost heart, I was ashamed of my mother and refused to let her into my apartment. “You’re on cocaine, you’re not allowed here, they’ll kick me out of this elderly facility, and I’ll be on the street as well!”

My apologetic bubbling did not impress my mother. Moving past me, she, with Zhenya clinging on to her, slipped to the “fourth floor,” into the free spiritual apartments, made for small people in the astral body. There they found an empty bunk, on which they slept until sunrise, and fled without saying goodbye.

She has grown incredibly old over the past years of independent existence. On her face there appeared an unpleasant expression of haste and desire to grab a piece sweeter, which I could not stand, and which, I knew, had never led to anything but new losses, failures, and typical annoyances of a loser.

She hid her hair under a faded shawl, her face turned bluish pale. She was in her burnt-out raincoat that she wore on earth during field work, torn here and there by tree branches, and loading and unloading hay. She wore children rubber boots on her small, like a Chinese woman’s feet. How naive are those who dress and decorate a woman to become a prostitute. She understood that this was not required, but on the contrary, you would earn faster and more, if you dress simpler. She rushed off and disappeared … And she did not spread about what happened next. One day I asked her a question.

– What happened to your hairy children, where did they go?

– After the story with the throat, they were taken away from me and settled on a common pasture. It became empty, I feel sorry for them, after all, they were my children … Because of them, I learned this business, how to earn to feed them.

My mother became a professional prostitute. I found the strength not to reproach her for this. She no longer aspired to live in my aura. Almost funny things happened if they were not sad. She appeared when she had no money. And I gave her what I could. Having obtained a hundred-dollar piece of paper, she quickly ran away. When I asked what she needed the money for, she replied angrily, “On cocaine! Do not ask about food, I don’t need any food, someone will always give me something, I need cocaine, I don’t need anything else!” I did not know how to help her. After all, she had her own home, and I did not.

To advance science, she gave birth to three more gray “babies”, until one of them almost gnawed her throat, after which she became dumb, and her children were taken away from her to some menagerie. Zhenya, without any warning, brought my mother to my alternative treatment. No sooner had I read the cherished prayer for all times and occasions “Our Father” three times, when my mother jumped out of her chair and rushed into her four-dimensional space to tell a story, which was cut off by a “child” clutching her throat.

Once, running across some field, she was pressed by the need for evacuation, cleansing the stomach, and drunk, not understanding, she wiped herself with the hundred-dollars’ worth piece of paper she received from me. There were two versions of this story, according to first version, she threw the piece of paper and ran on, and according to the other, she washed the piece of paper and bought food with it! I think the first version is more believable! The soul of the Russian person in America is truly spacious and wide!

It will take some more time, and my mother will appear again with the same request to supply her with a hundred-dollar bill. Our fourth spirit floor was occupied by a delegation of dashing spirits, young people with a developed interest in women.

They do not understand the connection between me and my mother. They engaged my mother to dance for them the Krakowiak in the middle of my living room. And she danced a krakowiak, tying to tie a “palochka”, a piece of stick to a broken leg, which I knew nothing about, a stick, which she carried with her to dance, if the clients demanded such fun.

Then what is used to happen at such gatherings happened! Having figured out that she was my mother, they kicked her out without paying. Paide prostitutes were not allowed into building for elderly where I lived, but “friends” who offered free service were tolerated.

She was kicked out, and she was not paid, therefore there were no prostitutes, everything was sewn and covered and corresponded to the regulations.

I contacted my father. With the last money he had, he ordered his mother a new leg, this is possible in the astral plane, but soon she was found drunk on the street, and a group of Russians busy cleansing Russian nation from freeloaders, alcoholics, prostitutes  and cocaine junkies marked her for destruction… Hard to believe but this is happening to Russians in their afterlife, as if echoing the communist regime meager attempt to cleanse the nation, принудительное выселение проституток из двух русских столиц, Москвы и Питера на сто первый километр! — forced eviction of prostitutes from two Russian capitals, Moscow and St. Petersburg, to the one hundred and first kilometer!

Thank God, I had already written and published her portrait in English. The judges read about her haymaking during hungry war years and during following restoration period, and her conviction to be destroyed was changed to healing sleep on the first Light Plane of Rest.

When his father said, not without bitterness, that he had spent the last money on a new leg, and instead of walking, now she was put at sleep with that new leg of hers. But the all-knowing guardian of the resting facility reassured him. He explained to my father that it is exceedingly difficult for those who wake up with broken arms and legs. And it will be easy for her! You have no idea how invaluable your help is to her! However, my father was told by a resting facility authority that he had done a nobliest thing, because when her time will come to wake up, she will be fine, but folks with broken legs or hands will suffer significantly, as there would be no one to help them. Father calmed down and stopped blame my mother neither when talking about her, nor thinking about her.

Before departing to the resting plane, Mother thanked me also for initiating the leg change affair.

—Tanya, I thought that being a prostitute is very cool, that it is good to lead a free life, but I was mistaken, I will try to recover and start all over again, I was thrown out of life as superfluous, but I will never be more superfluous … Thank you for teaching me nothing, for not forcing on me changes of my ways. Now I am aware that there must be another way to happiness. You know that I am not afraid of work, now I will go to study. When I wake up, and they will again let me walk through my streets, where I sought freedom, and found only shame, I will already be different. … God is merciful, he forgave me, they will put me to special sleep with restoration and thus they treat bad addiction, without torment and suffering, because I had done something right, and God had forgiven me! 

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The Interview with Mark Twain

07-09-2021

Mark Twain: I am in shambles, as I died in peace. Problems came later.
—Did the Judgment Day provoke them?
—There was incredible crowd of souls waiting for me to arrive, and I was late as usual. I walked in with my wife Olivia, who had died earlier. We had our differences, but these were nothing in comparison with differences that I had with society and my finances, as I never learned to take advantage of our freedom, democracy, or money-making opportunities. Here they suggest that I must learn cooperation with the world around me and study the managerial skills instead of becoming a next Shakespeare. But I want to be a writer again. The next time I will not be a fool to seek fame what creates monsters around you and turns you into one of them.

Like myself, be aware that you may face the same problem. Thank God, it will not happen tomorrow, that you start climbing straight up on our meager short sized Olympus.  

—What have been told to you on your Judgment Day?

—Nothing. They said like you were a good boy, who worked yourself from ground zero onto American Olympus. I was promised that my name will stay there for a long time, and they added, “Now it is your turn to learn financial freedom without harming your life, also your loved ones, especially without turning your daughters’ life into living hell. Boys did not love girls with fathers’ who had shaking monetary problems.”  Suzy never married because of my outstanding financial failures. Terrible! However, I know that it was not because of me, or her mother, but because of her destiny to become a spinster.

—Will you go learn money making skills?      

—Yes, I will. And this time I do not have to start from ground zero level to force myself to rise on the top in furious fight with colleagues in envy and unfriendliness. I will be a nasty creature, real Gobseck, stingy type, women hater, and I am afraid — a gay. 

—In what country?
— Of course, France with Italian accent! Mama will be an Italian, beautiful as a … I cannot find a polite wording for description of Lutheran busy beauty with all passion for men. In short, they apologized for my terrible life down there, absence of real friends — always working. I know that here in some place lives a spirit of Pushkin, I want to meet that guy. Can you arrange this favor for me?

I have idea who he is, but to see him will be entirely different story.

—I will try?

—What is his main work?
—A novel in verses Yevgeny Onegin, his poems, and novel The Captain’s Daughter about Pugachev’s revolt, quite a serious thing in the past. Dostoyevsky said that this novel worked as a plan for Tolstoy’s novel War and Peace.

Pushkin included contemporary spoken language into high poetry and marked the circle of main themes of the Russian literature.

—They expect me break the real ground for English speaking world in my next round as an American writer as well. I will go soon for rebirth in Boston.

—Sorry, may I ask if your rebirth will happen in France or Boston?

—Still not sure, both paths are open, I must make the final decision! Or someone will make it for me!  

—How I met my monster? After my transition, I was merrily looking around when I saw myself in my clothes in my own garden… My double was ten times taller than me. Not, he was not like me, but he was recognizable. He said that he came to keep me alive, and protect me from evil forces that were surrounding me from every thinkable angel!

—He wanted to enter your body despite being significantly taller than you?

—Exactly!

—Did you allow this to happen?

—No, and it caused me terrible trouble. He chased me about a year. And, finally, I yelled into his face, that I hate him! However, my revelation did not cause him to leave me. He looked terrible…like Jim from Huckleberry Finn’s novella, always drunk and threatening. And my double looked like a mulatto. Probably, because I had my share of problems with African Americans during my entire life on earth. My problems with my accusers started early on, soon after the first edition of Huckleberry Finn was printed. I was marked as racist who hated poor negros in this country.

—Did you answer them?

—Never ever, as I was aware of politics. And dark-skinned Amerika, heated human beings, founded struggle for equality with whites. Politically I was on their side, as a writer I saw the deepest humanity in them, as they were capable to protect and encompass with love Huckleberry Finn, the crooked bad boy, an abandoned orphan in extreme misery, my favorite character, I had ever created! I was told on my Judgment Day that I have to continue writing to create something like Russians had in their Gogol’s “Dead Souls,” not two characters, but a gallery of various characters. Let me think if this is a chance for me?

Mark Twain fell in silence and continued after a while.       

―Of course, for me the most American character would be Donald Trump with his half-Russian wife Melania and the absolute syntheses, their son who will grow up as a highbrow who would despise his father as a Hill Billy who paid the national debt by lucky chance alone. Oh, Tramp proved to be the best for the job, that m… f…er!

―Who else?

―Let look for some public figures! Louis Armstrong! Nancy Reagan, Malcolm McDowell as Alex in Kubrick’s Clockwork Orange.

― Very much like Gogol’s Nozdrev! A professional hater of humanity! 

―And of course, Charles Chaplin, gentlemen from head to waistline, and down from a rope for a belt ― pants, clearly originated in some dump. In short, a gentleman with a distant past, but still full of life and love and hope!

― And one cannot build a gallery of American characters without a scandalous preacher and a salesperson on the road who put cockroaches in your head selling you God that they do not believe in, and stuff that you do not need, but you pretend buying into their lies out of pity toward their hardship as traveling salespersons despised by almost everyone whom they made listen to them. These characters would be left for me to create digging to the bottom of their misery!  And the last, but not the least one will be the American travelling inventor raising funds for his invention, I gather!

Thank you, Tatyana, for giving me an idle idea how to come back to writing that I decided to forget or postpone for an immeasurable time, at least for now! 

―May I point to a closer source of inspiration that can be effortlessly found on Guttenberg Project. The first page of Charles Dicken’s Pickwick Papers. Can something be funnier than following start of a book?  

“May 12, 1827. Joseph Smiggers, Esq., P.V.P.M.P.C. [Perpetual Vice-President—Member Pickwick Club], presiding. The following resolutions unanimously agreed to:—

‘That this Association has heard read, with feelings of unmingled satisfaction, and unqualified approval, the paper communicated by Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C. [General Chairman—Member Pickwick Club], entitled “Speculations on the Source of the Hampstead Ponds, with some Observations on the Theory of Tittle Bats;” and that this Association does hereby return its warmest thanks to the said Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., for the same…’ ”

“Theory of Tittle Bats in the bottom of the Hampstead Ponds for advancing science!  I laughed my head off when I discovered it some time ago. It sounded like a fanfare for activating inspiration and choosing humorous style for entire book! Do you also have your secret ways, say, tricks for wakening inspiration into working condition and commanding readers to choose your side what you have done so successfully your entire life?

―Of course, I have. But I will not reveal my secret tricks as I want to continue writing my next story and I will use it again for experiencing pleasure birthing out of nowhere alive characters that would live their own life in subtle worlds, as does Pickwick, Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer and his aunty Sally and so many others who were coming from conscious of so many great writers that had  helped to refine our minds and perception of the world around us! And here comes a little gift to you.

The note from the author of this interview with Mark Twain. Once I tossed in the air an abstract question, was there some truth to the rumor that Mark Twain started his career as a newspaper boy? Before I knew it, black and white visions of shamanic underworld started to appear in front of me replacing one vision with another one, a vision of a provincial town’s center-point with some Lutheran Church across of a busy tavern, a marry drinking establishment across the solemn entrance to the House of God. These visions were surfacing from the deep depts of shamanic underworld, until I clearly heard a male voice.   

“… Do not bother me, girl, I am sleepy… as a boy, I was a paper hawker shouting out memorable titles that sold papers to the curious morning crowd. So, I learned that newspapermen are not made equal, some were more popular than the others, and in my chest was growing and growing the burning desire to become one of them, the famous one, better than they all together, because I knew I would do better. …I would morph into Sally with her limited mind, and large heart encompassing the abandoned boys named Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, also Mississippi river and all those funny folks in misery that were floating (in rusty fishermen boats) back and forth by the great river, seeking food and roof and piece of fleeting happiness… but all they found were dreams of heavenly paradise at the end of their lives on earth. If you have some guts, write what they found instead.”

“Who needs these newspapers? Selling headlines, I realized the price of a powerful word. To write is to string words one to another in a phrase — or you string diamonds, or pellets of mouse droppings. This is my gift to you as a keepsake, and do not wake me up anymore, I was about to fall asleep, and you woke me up again … Even then, selling newspapers, I began to write down interesting words, and when I sailed as a journalist in the Mississippi, I did not swim in the water, but in verbal abundance of folk speech, remember this. Your vocabulary is still poor, but your Mississippi will be in your destiny, just do not oversleep this sacred voyage, forget your lovers, husbands, children, fame, money, absorb the words, they are alive, they will tell your stories, not you – but they.”

Thank you, Mr. Twain for you words wisdom to me, I will keep in mind as long as I will stay here, and maybe longer.

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Почему мне бы хотелось пожить подольше на земле

Сегодня утром я проснулся в 7 утра… с Высоцким… в постели.

КТО ЕСТЬ ВЫСОЦКИЙ? И с какой стати я была удостоeна такой чести?

Владимир Высоцкий, или ВВ — гражданин России, нанятый Джозефом Кеннеди, куратором нашего дома для престрелых старушек и старичков с неизвестной целью, был поселен с Элвисом Пресли в СПАЛЬНЕ моей квартиры 304. Я в этой странной компании единственная, кто платит ренту 265 долларов и дополнительно около 100 долларов ежемесячно за свет из пособия 900 долларов, выплачиваемых мне щедрым американским правительством. Эта ситуация возникла в январе 2020 года, более года назад!

На днях, Высоцкий пытался вырезать полисмену Эрнандесу оба глаза. Быстрое вмешательство друзей полицейских спасло его глаза.  Но его зрение  ослаблено, и останется таковым на веки, как предполагают врачи.

Нет нужды в перечислении проблем, вызываемых Высоцким, страниц не хватит!  Долгое время немытый Высоцкий болен тяжелой шизофренией. Но ему отдали почему-то спальню в моей квартире на S. 404 Cochran Avenue, apt 304, Los Angeles, California 90036. Отобрали мою спальню на две недели, но прошел год и два месяца, а воз и ныне там!

Но, оказалось, спальни мало нашему барду. И сегодня утром я нашла это сокровище в моей постели, скорее – на раскладушке, расположенной в так называемой «большой комнате с китченеткой.»

Я живу в условиях, в которых, как говорится, не до постели, здесь главное живой и при всех трех глазах остаться. Два глаза вроде бы на месте, но пережили ли вторжение гения отросточки, которые появились там, где у меня был сильный Третий Глаз с густым лиловым цветом, скрытым под кожей лица.  К вечеру я выяснила, что ВВ пристраивался к моей раскладушке не без цели. Новые росточки на территории бывшего Третьего Глаза были выскреблены дочиста. Сейчас ВВ стоит за моей спиной со змеями в руках и читает то, что я пишу. Пользуюсь случаем, спрашиваю, не было ли КГБ как-то замешано в его решение вырезать мой Третий Глаз весной прошлого года?

Ответ ВВ: — Я никогда не стал бы делать такое, вырезать 3ий глаз без поддержки своих. И вдруг добавил. Решение было принято на высшем уровне  руководства советского КГБ — травить всех уехавших, что бы знали, на будущее! . . Правдиво ли такое заявление? Думаю, ВВ мстит Джозефу Кеннеди за что-то только ему известное. Что может быть ужаснее намеков на сотрудничество Кеннеди с КГБ? Скорее всего, ВВ  врет, чтобы запрятать шизофрению в задний карман своих  немытых джинсов.

ВВ вырезал мой ТРЕТИЙ ГЛАЗ на моем лбу. ВВ вырезал его для своего удовольствия весной 2020 года, когда я спала, и ВВ вошел тихонечко и сделал свое черное дело в ловле острых ощущений, которые здоровому не нужны, а шизе – да, и очень! @.

Последствия отсутствия ТРЕТЬЕГО ГЛАЗА в моей энергетической системе: После перехода с земли в астрал я буду слепой из за ОТСУТСТВИЯ Третьего Глаза, срезанного Владимиром Высоцким. А в астрале нельзя быть слепым.  

Моя душа будет помещена в первую доступную утробу, и я рожусь слепым ребенком, во второй раз ребенок будет все также слепым и так далее, пока тело не накопит необходимый уровень энергии для создания новых глаз для ребенка.

Если я останусь на земле подольше, ТРЕТИЙ ГЛАЗ получит шанс ВОССТАНОВЛЕНИЯ хотя бы частичного зрения, достаточного для пребывания в астральном мире.

Когда я обнаружила Высоцкого в своей постели, я закричала как сумасшедшая от унижения, от того, что меня унижали люди вокруг меня – души нескольких русских писателей, которые видели, как Высоцкий заползает в мою постель, но «не знали», как сказать мне об этом. Личные охранникиэ мистера Кеннеди, Альберт, которому платят за защиту всех нас и который знал о моей проблеме, и некому особому мистеру Икс, нанятому мистером Кеннеди, чтобы защитить местных жителей от новой привычки Высоцкого, вырезать людям глаза со лба – бездействовали! Они боялись Высоцкого. Защитники боялись разделить судьбу Эрнандеса, и я их не виню. Короче, я осталась одна, рискуя разделить судьбу Эрнандеса и Пушкина (1799-1837), величайшего поэта России, который был «успешно» ослеплен ножом Высоцкого в 2020 году. Третий Глаз Пушкина  ВВ также не пожалел.  Две женщины, очень сознательные, отказались принимать душу ПУШКИНА на перерождение. Их пугала перспектива поднимать слепого ребенка.

В 1989 году я сбежала из Эстонии, когда я стала получать угрозы физической расправы. Люди, как Высоцкий, агенты КГБ, продолжают унижать меня и в Америке. Главная задача агента КГБ за рубежом – сделать жизнь иммигранта из России адом.  Кажется, Высоцкий усердно и с энтузиазмом работает на КГБ!

В течение 2020 и 2021 годов Высоцкий, отрезав мой ТРЕТИЙ ГЛАЗ, далее отчищал не то 8, не то 10 раз, всегда ночью, во время моего крепкого сна, «соскребая» острым ножом РОСТКИ, которые прорастали на том месте, где когда-то был Третий Глаз, вырезанный весной 2020 года.

ЕСЛИ ВЛАДИМИР ВЫСОЦКИЙ ПРОДОЛЖИТ ПРЕБЫВАТЬ в МОЕЙ КВАРТИРЕ, ОСОБЕННО в моей постели, меня ждет судьба душ, брошенных в первую доступную утробу, чтобы родиться слепым ребенком, и продолжать рождаться слепыми, пока я не соберу достаточно энергии, чтобы создать новые глаза в утробе моей «следующей, следующей и следующей матери.»

Мистер Кеннеди, я попыталась объяснить ситуацию вам и вашей замечательной жене Розе Фиджеральд Кеннеди. Может, мой ужасный английский помешал вам понять меня? Может быть, мой беззубый рот был причиной того, что вы меня не поняли? Но может быть бы бсетаки услышите меня? Если не произойдет перемен и больной Владимир Высоцкий не будет переведен отсюда в какое-нибудь психиатрическое учреждение или другое место, или не будет возвращен домой, в Россию, у меня будет отнята моя последняя надежда на то, чтобы дать начало восстановлению некоторого зрения для входа в астральнй мир.

Если ВВ останется жить в моей квартире, он сможет очистить новообразование в любое время, когда захочет, во время моего глубокого сна. Я пыталась бодрствовать всю ночь, но мне это не удавалось.

Пожалуйста, дайте мне несколько лет побыть на земле спокойно, без пребывания ВВ в моей действительности,  чтобы немного восстановить мое астральное зрение, а не быть брошенной в «банку» для безнадежных.

Если кому-то здесь «некуда идти», как любят повторять ВВ, ЭП,  то это я, иностранец из Эстонии, а не Элвис Пресли, или Владимир Высоцкий.

Спасибо, что просмотрели статью, написанной спонтанно, и прошу, поддержите мысленно, невидимая поддержка бывает эффективное пышных выступлений… Татьяна Эльманович

Чай или кофе

От автора, Татьяны Эльманович. Чем старше становишься, тем чаще вспоминается былое. Делюсь одним мимолетным воспоминанием, как я летела из Шереметьево в Америку, покидая родные места навсегда.

Год 1989. В аэропорту, покидая страну, где я родилась, Эстонию, я установила на часах стандартное время восточного побережья Северной Америки EST, потому что мой витиеватый маршрут предоставил мне возможность трехдневной остановки в Нью-Йорке, неофициальной столице США. Мне мерещились посещение Метрополитена и Центрального Парка, легендарного Бродвея, я надеялась побывать в студиях бывших русских художников, которые стали нынче американцами, а может и не совсем, и в них все еще теплилось нечто русское или оно уже стерлось и пропало? После Нью Йорка, я знала, мне предстоит забыть свою жизнь эстонского кинокритика, которого одни любили, а другие, мягко-говоря, не очень, и столкнутся в мировой кино-столице Лос-Анджелесе, Калифорнии с моим туманным будущим.

Взлетев в московском международном аэропорту Шереметьево на пути в Нью Йорк, я уже седьмой час сидела в летательной машине Аэрофлота, и меня мучил вопрос, сколько еще часов придется сидеть до приземления в аэропорту имени Джона Фиджеральда Кеннеди. Я знала, что на другом континенте, еще пока никто по мне не соскучился, и никто не поспешит встретить меня по прибытии в Америку. Я не могла сообразить, встреча с моим будущем состоится утром или вечером, смогу ли я сразу позвонить своим знакомым в Нью-Йорке, или может быть будет неудобно звонить во время восхода солнца? Где мой билет на самолет?  Наверное, он находится в моей набитой донельзя сумке. Я потянулась было за ней, но раздраженная бортпроводница выхватила сумку из моей нерешительной руки и бросила обратно в контейнер над моей головой. Я попытался встать и дотянуться до кнопки, открыть выпуклую дверь контейнера, и все же найти сумку, но мне посоветовали сесть и вести себя хорошо. Behave! Спорить я не стала, но решила переменить направление моих размышлений. … Кто были люди, которые забили этот огромный самолет? Неужели все россияне помчались из Москвы в США? Может быть, это иностранцы сбегали из душной Москвы охладится на каком-либо морском курорте? Внезапно по моему сердцу пробежала волна сожаления, зачем я здесь? Почему я пекусь в этом самолете, а не охлаждаюсь на берегу моего эстонского моря в ожидании, когда большая волна понесет меня в мое Балтийское море? Наверное, я была слишком старой, слишком неловкой, слишком полной… Кто знает, какой мне предстоит стать в годы, когда жизнь уходит из тела, а смерть представляется единственно возможным, вовсе не страшным, а скорее желанным выходом из положения.

Кстати, почему советский главный аэропорт называется Шереметьево, не в память ли о соратнике Петра Великого, генерала армии, совершавшего жуткие преступления в Эстонии во время Северной войны Петра Великого. Во время похода армия Шереметьева грабила как крестьян, так и владельцев имений, окуная местных жителей в кипящую смолу, и развешивая их страшные трупы, объявляя о победах царя Петра Великого.  Однако, в светском мире, Шереметев слыл безупречным джентльменом… c’est la vie.

Мою задумчивость прервал лукавый голосок: «Tea or coffee?» Из-за неуклюжей кареты со всем тем, что полагается на завтрак, выглядывала крохотная, худенькая женщина. Ее хрупкая фигура и личико напомнили мне морду лисички, которая жила в лесу неподалеку от нашей арендованной летней хижины на эстонском острове. Рыжая зверюшка обитала в лесу возле нашей халупы. Меня поражали глаза этого хитрого создания. Мы сталкивались, когда лиса подбирала остатки курицы, выложенные для нее на нашем крыльце. Она осторожно «выкрадывала» их, сверкая своими всевидящими глазками, наполненными превосходством над надменными людьми, возомнившими себя господами вселенной. Убегая, наша лисичка, уносила в своей пасти кусок побольше курицы, и исчезала где-то поглубже в лесочке так и не выдавая никому, где ее домик, норка, лазейка, лежбище, насиженное местечко! Лисичка умела хранить свои тайны!

Бортпроводница терпеливо ждала моего ответа на вопрос «чай или кофе»? Мне предлагали освежиться во время утомительного перелета, чтобы ускорить медленное течение времени до посадки на новом континенте.

«Чай или кофе?» —повторила бортпроводница, сообразив, что я ее не понимаю. До меня доносился только некий урчащий звук. И мои онемевшие губы выжали с трудом слово “Yes!” То есть «Да!» по-английски.

Тем временем, моя «лисичка» производила некий тайный знак в воздухе, видимо сообщая своим товаркам, остальным бортпроводницам об очередном пассажире, который ни бэ-ни-мэ по-английски, и обещая им очередное зрелище допроса, чего ей подать к завтраку, чай или кофе?    И борт-персонал стал теснится собираясь вокруг нас…

Я поняла, что настоящее произношение, которое я никогда ранее не слышала, просто не доходило до меня. И чтобы не сдаваться, я улыбнулась, и как можно вежливее указала пальцем на банку кока-колы, красовавшейся на их загруженной тележке, полной лучших напитков, таких как кофе, горячий чай, и на худой конец, вино.  

Я получила свою банку кока-колы, не обратившись ни к кому за переводом или помощью. И это была моя крохотная победа в день приезда в Нью-Йорк. Я вернула бортпроводнице ее сияющую улыбку и произнесла уже схваченное здесь, в самолете, «thank you!» Я понятия не имела, какой ангел-хранитель прошептал мне эти простые слова. Лисица не оценила моего усилия ускользнуть, так и не дав повода для смеха. Незначительный инцидент с «чаем и кофе» был исчерпан. Мое сердце пронзило предчувствие, что мне придется не легко в чужой стране.

Наконец, наш самолет приземлился в аэропорту имени Джона Кеннеди, и нас звали к выходу из самолета, чтобы встретить нашу судьбу, какой бы она ни была.

Я стояла посреди сектора прибытия в ожидании автобуса, следующего до нашего терминала, и мое внимание привлекло небо надо мною. Оно сияло яркими красками заката, обещая приближение бури и сильных ветров. Облака были темно-фиолетовыми, соперничая с горящими красными полосками пронизанными истерическими оранжевыми стрелами. В бой стремились невиданные мною доселе зеленые облака, сдерживаемые натиском фиолетовых глыб с тяжелыми красными прослойками. Но чем я любовалась, закатом или восходом солнца? В игре этих красок чувствовалась мощь нового континента. Подавляя предчувствие, что здесь я столкнусь с неведомыми мне доселе силами, неведомым напряжением жизни, я все же понимала, что именно здесь, в этой наковальне страстей, меня ждет и награда – рост, изменение, расширение сознания, иная степень духовной свободы. Как это произойдет? Только время раскроет ответ на этот вопрос. И мне придется смириться с его загадочным ответом. Каковой моя судьба не окажется, мне придется принять ее, даже при самом ужасном исходе моих всех радужных ожиданий… или наоборот, я увижу свет в конце тоннеля, как здесь говорят, решение моих проблем если не ранее, то в конце моего жизненного пути на этом континенте!

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A Deadly Encounter

It happened during the dullest noon hours of a smoldering summer day in California. I finished my shopping of groceries at Trader Joe store near my home. All I had to do was drive to the nearest cross road, make a left turn, then a right turn, and I would be at my porch. Nearing a left-turn pocket at the end of the street a man’s hand fell on my left shoulder, and a voice shouted, “Stop immediately!” I obeyed and stopped without questioning who issued this order in my empty car? Then it happened. From the crossing road a speedy car, pushing 200 or more miles per hour, turned into my pocket. One short moment, and a head-to-head crash would be unavoidable. She made a mistake, instead of turning in her lane, being blinded by some emotional explosion she turned had instead of her lane straight into the pocket ahead of me! If I would not been stopped by the mystical hand of a stranger, the accident would be impending. Who was the stranger, and how he got into my car?  

The inevitable head-to-head collision was avoided. When the speeding lady saw me practically in front of her, her cart jumped like frog out of the “pocket” and landed onto her lane on her right. Thank God, there was free space waiting her and enough clear road for slowing down her enormous speed. Now I had time to look back who was the stranger who happened to be in my car to save life of the miserable immigrant or emigrant, which one fitted me more?

The iconic face was beautiful and clean beyond description, I tried to open my paralyzed mouth to pronounce a word of gratitude, but he disappeared, he became invisible to me. Was he an angel, or an entity from higher realm? I would never know who he was, but he saved the life of the girl who was speeding, my life and more lives and more cars because abnormal speed of the girl’s car would hit me and the remains of our cars would roll over into traffic and cause more damage than one could imagine.

However, what did happen years later, when I was tempted to publish this story in my blog, is also worth mentioning.  My friends who red this story found it unbelievable, and I was asked in both languages, in English and Russian, why I invented this fiction, as it sounded unbelievable to them. As I already mentioned, I am a medium, and donor of universal antibodies, but, regrettably, I see spirits only randomly, only during events that mobilize our all emotions, when there is danger, or some other exciting emotions involved. So, being vulnerable, limited in seeing spirits, I had not enough arguments to defend my story. It is strange, we accept fictitious angelic stories, but deny reality of interference of divinity into our daily life.

In the company of friends who thought that I was inventing this story was a seer who offered his help. “Give me some time, I will try to look into that story, but be prepared, I will say what I will see…”  He kept a little distance, yes. He did not rush to any conclusion… He was the one of doubters, and he took quite a time trying find this event in my past. But then he finally opened his mouth, and came up with a simple reaction, “Yes, it happened to her.”

Still, do we have to publish such extraordinary stories or not? Maybe it would sound like tail-tail, look at the wonderful me, angels are rushing to my aid!

On the other hand, these stories may help somebody to peel off too much ordinary from his mind, the numbness of feelings, maybe someone believe that extraordinary is a chance available to everyone, and it can cast light that may inspire us look for our hidden and usually unused abilities, hidden and repressed by the need to take care of potatoes, cabbage and everlasting worry about our daily bread and roof over our heads.

But it was not the end of the story! A friend,  a lover of cocaine relief, stood up, placed himself into center of circle, grabbed my pages with this story, and becoming unusually pale, tore them into vertical pieces, throw them into my face, yelling, “Never feed me this Christian crap, it is not happening, it cannot happen, do not call this materialization at the mountain Sinai, shame on you all!” And he was gone, running into summer night, alone and never happy with his life…

A girl started to collect the pieces of manuscript from the floor, I said, “Do not worry, leave them there, I have another copy of this manuscript, so not all is lost!”  One day I fell a sleep and saw a dream—in a Russian country home was so called “red corner” with icons and in front of one of them was old fashioned lampada. Its flickering light revealed a familiar iconic portrait. And I recognized the angel, who once saved two lives from inevitable death? Was he an angel or Jesus? I would never know.

I woke up and heard a voice … He said that He did not came to save me but pick up my soul, he came to take you to us if the accident occurs. But when I saw a racing girl who had a falling out with her lover, I took pity on her, I stopped you, and both of you were saved. This time, I came to save your nephew’s vision, and I am here, because you are my daughter… I cannot know if this is true biologically, who can find it out? But you are my daughter in a sense of openness of your heart. I cannot find a single drop of anger, and this makes the difference, you have no anger toward people who had trespassed against you, not toward those who were more talented and more successful than you.  I know that you believe that you would go blind. Your nephew would be blind if his rare decease would be not stopped right now. I hasten to stop his eye disease, which will soon prevent him from drawing, but he is the architect in present incarnation, and would be the architect in following incarnation. You were given writing talent and healing talent, you will stay on earth for a while, and be busy up to the last day on earth. Good luck to you both!

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Опасные воплощения

Медитация в память Любовь Петровны

Любовь Петровна Эльманович, урожденная Мясоедова

 Пасхальное утро

Я живу в Лос Анджелесе. Мне 84 года, и нынче мой черед лечить ревматизм, боль в спине и коленях, и прочие возрастные недомогания. Вспоминаю бабушку в моем раннем детстве. Мне три года, и я у кого-то на руках, скорее всего отцовских. Мама стоит рядом в новом нарядном платье—на голубом фоне легкой ткани разбросаны оранжевые маки… Кто бы мог подумать, что в старости я увижу их в калифорнийских пустынях, когда те вдруг оживают, заливаясь цветом нежнейших оранжевых маков. Пчелы прилетают сюда, чтобы собрать мед и отдать его сотам, часто вместе с их скоротечной жизнью на благо продолжения пчелиного рода.

На дворе пасхальное утро, серая дымка на горизонте оживает. Еще немного, и предрассветный туман сдастся, солнечные лучи прорвутся, и птицы вспорхнут навстречу восходящему солнцу, листья деревьев, трава, и лепестки цветов засверкают алмазом утренней росы, будто для тех, кто возвращаются из церкви в благом состоянии духа: Христос Воскресе—Воистину Воскресе, Христос Воскресе—Воистину Воскресе, Воистину Воскресе, Воис…воскре… воистину…

Взрослые остановились в саду, вдыхая живительную свежесть утреннего воздуха… Бабушка Люба вынесла два больших шоколадных яйца, одно завернуто в красную конфетную бумагу, другое—в золотую обертку, и видимо, испытывая меня на природный вкус, велела выбрать одно, какое мне больше понравится. Мне запомнились мои очень маленькие руки, которые потянулись к … ярко-красному яйцу, но никак не могли до него дотянуться. Бабушка пыталась убедить меня, что золотое красивее, и я пустилась в рев, и требовала, чтобы мне отдали красное яйцо… Мама смотрела на бабушку умоляюще. Любовь Петровна поморщилась и отдала мне красное яйцо. Ни сказав ни слова, чем-то недовольная, она ушла к себе.

Воцарилась неловкое молчание, пасхальное настроение было нарушено. И я думаю, я помню этот эпизод лишь потому, что тогда, заодно с яркими образами сверкающих шоколадных яиц, в мое подсознание заползло тихой змейкой чувство вины. Я испортила праздник всем, всем, неблагодарная я… у меня выскочило из памяти, что сталось с тем шоколадным яйцом? Я только недавно заметила, что никогда не покупаю на Пасху шоколадных игрушек— яиц, зайчиков, собачек, кошечек, фигурок шаловливых детишек, обернутых блестяще-пестрыми конфетными бумажками, которые с такой щедростью продаются в Лос Анджелесе перед Пасхой, а после раздаются за очень дешево в супермаркетах по всей огромной страны.

Переигрываю в воображении память о восходе солнца в то пасхальное утро моего далекого детства… Мать ускользает в цветник нашего сада, и возвращается с букетом подснежников. Пасхальный стол накрыт дорогой розовой скатертью, которую расстилали только на Пасху, а в центре, в низкой хрустальной вазе белеeт облачко свежих подснежников. Я жду, когда мне достанется, наконец, кусочек пасхи, любимого пасхального лакомства. Взрослые также молча ждут чего-то, не то, как и я, пасхи, не то чуда воскресения, а может быть переживают снова полет души в высь, в заоблачную голубизну, где жизнь вечна, потому что в их сознании все еще звучат слова пасхальной молитвы  «Смертью смерть поправ и сущим во гробах жизнь даровав»!

Вот я снова в Лос Анджелесе, и думаю о том, что и мне скоро в путь дорожку собираться. Сегодня спирит моего отца приходил поговорить, и я отважилась спросить его об его отношениях с его матерью, моей бабушкой Любовью Петровной. В ответ он произнес следующий монолог.

— Я не могу говорить о моей матери, сын не должен судить мать, мне трудно говорить о ней, потому что…. С той минуты как на свет Божий явился Вики, нас как бы не стало. Все ее мысли и чувства сосредотачивались сперва на новорожденном, а с течением времени на ребенке, подростке, молодом студенте, вступающим в жизнь молодом юристе, пока вдруг Викин жестокий жребий, перекинувшийся из колена в мозг туберкулез, не оборвал нить его земного существования не ранее и не позднее чем, когда Вики закончил cum laude юридический факультет Дорпатского, ныне Тартускогоуниверситета, оставив за собой безутешную, и в конец разорившуюся мать. Казалась жестокая судьба говорила ей, мол, полагайся на Божью Волю и не на себя только. Люби Бога более, чем своих сыновей… Да разве это возможно?

Денег не было, все уходило на образование и лечение Вики… Я работал на торфяном болоте, и мечтал о красивом, а главное, чистом мундире армейского офицера… А затем ворвались советские, как раз, когда умирал Вики… И  сошедшая с катушек мать уселась у палящей печки сжигать бесценную свою библиотеку, которую мои родители собирали, как в любом порядочном дворянском доме, для детей и внуков… Красные орудовали на улицах и площадях, приставляли к стенке виновных, а главное, не виновных, и расстреливали без суда и следствия для введения новых порядков. Всем и вся уже все известно о том времени… Для нашей семьи все шло прахом. Вики уже не было с нами, когда Советы мобилизовали Юрика и меня в Красную Армию, а Андрея отпустили, посчитали старым…  Он счастливчик, родился в рубашке…

—За что бабушка Люба, тебя не любила?

—Это не было нелюбовью, это было полное равнодушие, отсутствием какого-либо отношения ко мне… Ты присутствовал, но она тебя не видела, не слышала, и тобою не интересовалась, она терпела твое присутствие, вот и все… Ты мог быть, но ты мог и не быть. Она терпела меня кое как, но еле терпела мою жену, которая рассыпалась перед ней мелким бесом, а та как-то нехорошо улыбалась, и снова уходила в себя. Тамариных родственников, Сиротиных, моя мать и вовсе терпеть не могла. Она никогда не говорила о своих чувствах. Молчание избавляла ее от каких-либо выяснения отношений, она ничего никогда не выясняла, она держала свои чувства при себе, и только глаза ее невольно говорили тебе, где твое место в системе ее ценностей.

Она никогда бы не созналась, что не любит тебя потому, что ты сделал что-то для нее неприемлемое, не любила она тебя беспричинно. Она жила замкнутой, своей жизнью, в которой тебя просто не было… Страдал ли я от этого? Я просто привык к тому, что я никто, и могу стать только военным. Там ты никто только в том случае, если ты будешь прятаться за спины товарищей, чтобы выжить. Но если ты в армии готов защищать не только себя, но и других, ты хорош для получения наград и орденов. Я всегда нуждался в людях, и я принял Высоцкого за друга… Далее тебе все известно. Когда-либо позже я расскажу о подробностях, которых ты, возможно, и не знаешь.

Путешествие в прошлые воплощения
Любовь Петровны

Голос отца куда-то пропал… Со мной оказались Парамаханса Йогананда и какой-то его приятель весьма экзотической наружности. Он пробормотал свое имя, которое я не расслышала, неловко засмеялся, и предложил мне «путешествие» в мир бабушкиных воплощений, необходимое, как ему казалось для завершения работы над этой книгой. Взамен он попросил немного витальной энергии для предстоящего лечения. Парамаханса Йогананда взялся устроить детали передачи энергии. 

Начинать надо было с медитации. Отпускаю напряжение в мышцах. Дышу скучно и ровно, за закрытыми глазами темно. Наконец, будто из молочного тумана перед восходом солнца начинают проступать неопределенные очертания какого-то странного поля, усеянного черепами. Черепов больше, чем на знаменитом полотне Верещагина «Апофеоз войны». В глубине этого поля находятся «золотые врата» в мир Божий, надо полагать. 

На четвертом пальце моей левой руки появляется «царское кольцо» с овальным сапфировым камнем, украшенного резьбой некого мистического символа. Вскоре, кольцо «заговорило», притягивая проклятия незахороненных душ тех, кого согласно обычаям древних времен, либо убивали по обоюдному согласию, либо бросали умирать в муках на полях битв. Решала ли душа Любовь Петровны в прошлом судьбы раненых на полях этих же битв, либо наоборот, она сама была раненым воином, брошенным умирать либо своими, либо побежденными? Я не раз замечала, что в ролевых парах, роли легко переходят из одной крайности в другую: в одном воплощении ты вор, а в следующем полицейский, в одном воплощении она проститутка, а в следующем монахиня… Кем была моя бабушка, жертвой жестоких законов, или создательницей этих же законов, за которые, она возможно нынче расплачивается?
Зачем и почему незнакомец предложил мне это странное путешествие моего сознания в бабушкино прошлое?

Вместо ответа на мои вопросы, на плоском вытоптанном поле с черепами, со всех концов потянулись ряды душ в белых одеяниях, казалось, их вели на общее крещение. На самом деле их вели к сверкающим золотым «царским вратам», за которыми их ждали лечебный сон и отдых.  На том же поле трудились ангелы и священники, подбадривая тех, кто боялись чего-то, шарахаясь от блеска золота…

С ними говорили долго и терпеливо, пока убеждение, что за золотыми воротами их ждут розги, не преодолевалось… Им говорили, что бить их не будут, вместо этого они будут спать мирным сном до их следующего воплощения, и что это особенный сон, потому что несет не только отдых, но и необходимое им лечение.

Кстати, в книге Синди Дейл …………………….., исследователя и практикующего альтернативного хилера, есть прямое подтверждение описанной ситуации. Она пишет о повышающихся уровнях «отдыха» души между инкарнациями. На первом уровне астрального «покоя» души спят в перерыве между воплощениями. А на более высоких уровнях «покоя» открываются возможности получать образование, развиваться и трудиться. Кто будет спать, а кто трудиться, зависит от состояния ментального тела человека. Здесь все наоборот – менее развитые будут спать, а более развитые будут трудиться добровольно, чтобы подняться на более высокие уровни астрального бытия. В книге Синди Дейл упоминается также присутствие представителей самых разных религий и конфессий, которые объясняли и молились с душами, пораженными сомнениями и страхом перехода из никуда в астральную усыпальницу.  

Мне поручили также сосредотачивать золотой свет на духовном сердце бабушки для плавки темного зловещего мрамора вокруг ее замученного сердца. Наконец, мы подошли к старту в путешествие в прошлое в поисках более эффективного очищения ее сердца. Когда я стала звать свет, то есть космический «воздух» с более высокой частотой вибрации, явилась помощь. Незнакомец Парамахансы Йогананды оказался рядом со мной, а я становилась то мужчиной, то возвращалась в мое женское тело. Со мною происходило то, что называется shape shifting!  Мои руки тянулись к свету, но это были уже не мои, а жилистые мужские руки с бицепсами, браслетами, и татуировкой, принадлежащие некому странному полуголому желтокожему существу… с повязкой на голове, с темными глазами, и характерной горбинкой на носу. Может быть вернее было бы сказать, что незнакомец с его помощниками и я звали золотой свет через мою седьмую чакру. Я просила помощи и благословения Иисуса и Святой Богородицы, и защиты нашему необычному путешествию. Я обращалась за помощью и к Марии Магдалене, потому что ощущала ее присутствие.

Две танцующие фигуры в центре этого древнего изображения напоминают того пришельца, кто предложил мне полет сквозь бабушкины прошлые воплощения.      

Мой безымянный помощник нес мое сознание, или то, чем мы являемся в состоянии OBE, когда выходим из тела, сквозь бабушкины инкарнации чуть ли не со времен поклонения богине Иштар, сквозь войны с монголами, службы египетским фараонам, усмирения бунтов рабов и черни. Когда я пишу об этом, получается плоский перечень увиденного… Интенсивность этого полета неописуема словами, потому что слои истории и культур, египетских царств и династий, походов Александра Македонского и римлян и персов быстро менялись, сопровождаемые грохотом разрушений, вызванных войнами и мятежами.

Без какого-либо объяснения, наш полет резко развернулся к войнам ацтеков и инков на американском континенте. Мы остановились у изгороди из свай, украшенных отрубленными головами со снятыми скальпами. Этого, видимо, не ожидал даже мой проводник… Вдруг он каким-то несловесным образом передал мне следующее: «Здесь ее душа остановилась! Между жизнями, в астрале, она стала христианкой, и попросила посчитать работу ее души как воина завершенной!»

Мрамор, окружавший сердце, стал таять как черная восковая свеча, стекающая прямо в землю, а нижний край сердца ожил нежно-розовым, младенческим свечением. Я ожидала увидеть изумрудный свет, а пошло розовое свечение. Оказалось, в этой суровой и выдержанной, всегда сдержанной женщине было запрятано столько девственно нетронутой детскости. Действительно, однажды она вступила же со мной, трехлетней, в спор, какая краска лучше, красная или золотая…  Она раздражалась, когда учила меня, тупую, математике, радовалась, когда я залпом прочла «Руслана и Людмилу», чего «нормальный» взрослый не заметил бы, или посчитал смешным и лишним.

Ко мне подошел помолодевший дедушка Григорий и сказал всего несколько слов: «Седина ушла, волосы Любы стали темными. Ты вернула мне жену, спасибо!» Я приняла его благодарность, не подозревая о зыбкой основе моего лечения. Прошло лишь несколько месяцев, и я заметила, что волосы бабушки стали снова седеть. И мне вспомнился фильм Пенни Маршал с Робертом Де Ниро и Робертом Вильямсом в главных ролях Awakening,  Пробуждение.

Комментарий: Фильм описывает попытки лечить так называемую сонную болезнь лекарствами.  

Википедия. Awakening is based on the true story of Dr. Oliver Sacks, whose 1973 book depicts his drug experiments with L-Dopa, which stimulates the body’s production of dopamine, which he undertook in the late ’60s with survivors of a 1920s sleeping sickness epidemic. But their recoveries were short-lived. In the film and in real life, Leonard L.  the patient, embodied by Robert De Niro, developed severe tics and regressed to his earlier passive state. He died in 1981.

Любовь Петровна закончила свой земной путь от жесточайшего Паркинсона, который в те времена ничем толком не лечился. Все, что мне показывали во время нашего полета в прошлое, а увидела совершенно в ином свете. 

В фильме Пенни Маршал «Пробуждение» казалось, лекарства сотворили чудо, на эффект длился не долго, болезнь вернулась и на этот раз, ее уже не удалось повернуть вспять.

Причины болезней таких как Паркинсон, Альцгеймер, Болезнь Лу Герриг и ряда вариаций подобных, но реже встречающихся заболеваний кроются глубже, куда действие лекарств не доходит, либо противодействующие силы сильнее медицинских препаратов.

Комментарий: What Is Lou Gehrig’s Disease? Lou Gehrig’s disease, or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or ALS. Amyotrophicmeans that the muscles have lost their nourishment. When this happens, they become smaller and weaker. Lateralmeans that the disease affects the sides of the spinal cord, where the nerves that nourish the muscles are located; and sclerosis means that the diseased part of the spinal cord develops hardened or scarred tissue in place of healthy nerves. It’s called Lou Gehrig’s disease after Lou Gehrig, a hall-of-fame baseball player for the New York Yankees who was diagnosed with ALS in the 1930s.

Не кроется ли корень подобных заболеваний в деяниях пациента в их прошлых воплощениях, в необходимости простить себе и миру, энергетически вычистить «неприятные воспоминания», тупо хранимые нашим подсознанием, а следовательно, постоянно притягивающие отрицательные события в наш личный мир, в нашу действительность. 

Встреча с бабушкой Любой

—Когда я путешествовала в твоем времени, бабушка, была ли ты с нами, ты участвовала или нет, ты видела, что я видела или нет, как ты относишься к тому, что мне показывали?

—Дай мне минутку собраться с мыслями. Бессвязные отрывки из далеких воплощений вспоминаются  мне иногда в смутных видениях, которые я на земле считала бредом человека, сходящего с ума от горя—от не того брака и эстонской мерзости, которая исключила нас полностью, на все 100 процентов, из себя, из так называемого местного общества. Оно касалось нас только по необходимости, когда кому-то из них, преуспевших при верховодстве немецких помещиков, которые господствовали в Прибалтике около восьмисот лет, нужен был вдруг французский язык. Среди них была и твоя знакомая Айме Бекман, нынче известная эстонская писательница. Но она больна моею болезнью, которая не лечится ничем иным, как покаянием и прощением себе грехов, которые не забываются и мучают человека.

…Ты свое покаяние прошла, когда ты встретилась с твоей родней и прочими людьми, на них похожими. Ты потеряла себя, ты не помнишь, кто ты, и зачем ты здесь, ты себя всю отдала твоему племяннику, который также не знает, кто он, и зачем он здесь, потому что отравлен, как и ты, теми же людьми, которые испортили твою судьбу до пределов, которых даже я не смогла предвидеть.   

Комментарий: Вадим Зеланд, известный автор теории трансерфинг напоминает нам, что наша среда является зеркалом нашей сущности, отражающая наше поведение, привычки, форму общения с окружающим миром, мол, как кликнешь, так и откликнется… Но так ли все просто, и не тянем ли мы из прошлых воплощений проблемы, о которых даже не догадываемся.

Твои прогулки в мое прошлое с Там-Тамом, который назвал себя таким смешным именем,  вывели меня на чистую воду в твоих глазах. Мол, мое тяжелое молчание, депрессия являются расплатой за величие высоких постов в далеких прошлых воплощениях. Да, я была военно-начальником, и не в одном воплощении!

Но, как Там-Там представился тебе? Он не воспринял ни тебя, ни твоего хвастливого индуса, ни всю вашу компанию достойной знакомства с ним. Он скрыл свое имя, и окрестил себя смешным псевдонимом, достойным сознания двухлетнего ребенка. Тем не менее он присосался к тебе, а ты ничего не знала об этом. Там-Тама, вовсе и не человек в нашем понятии, только недавно его отъединили от тебя. Индус не имел никакого права промышлять твоей витальной энергией.

—Бабушка, ты что-то не договариваешь, ты хочешь сказать, что я не умела постоять за себя. Говори на чистоту, что ты имеешь в виду.

—Ты воспитывалась не так как положено воспитывать человека с твоими данными. Они заставляли тебя жить для них, под ними… Твоя мать, раздавленная войной, металась между двумя кланами и делала невозможные усилия прокормить голодных, амбициозных, но не способных встать на свои ноги людей. Она погубила себя, тебя, а главное твоего брата, свалив все на меня. Но что я могла? Их была целая стая, а я была одна. Гонимая какой-то никому не понятной виной, твоя мать производила еду с избытком, слишком много, она убивалась. Не любя уже никого, себя включительно, она перекармливала тебя, и вовсе невинную. Выплачивая какой-то ложный долг, твоя мама платила его не той монетой, и не тем, кому ей надо было что-то отдать.

Не замешан ли Там-Там в этой истории? За что он тебя обворовывал все последнее десятилетие? Я не могу вспомнить его настоящего имени, но ты вспомнила его яркую внешность, потому что в детстве ты видела образы его иных воплощений—черные косые глаза, лоб, закрытый платком. Ты видела также на нем военные мундиры, прототипы будущих парадных одеяний монгольских номадов, всегда на конях, которые буквально жили вскачь, то есть не имели возможности носить обожаемые мужским полом побрякушки вроде орденов и медалей. Все эти игрушки видывали свет Божий только на ритуалах коронаций Вавилонских монархов. Осознают ли потомки, что в них живут тени Вавилонских воителей? Кем был тот, кто оставил свой след основателя рода Мясоедовых, и откуда взялось столь тяжелое имя Мясоедовых, имя аристократа из номадов, будто в те времена не все номады ели мясо, а что же еще? Не овощи и цветочки же они выращивали на скаку по степям!

—Бабушка, я ничего такого не видела. Никаких духов в военных мундирах, или скачущих на конях воинов я не видела. Боже, это ты видела то, что Там Там мне показывал! Но почему он решил, что расплатился таким образом за энергию, которую он брал у меня в тихоря?  Возможно, он давал совет как лечить более продвинутым образом, уничтожая то, что мешает тебе жить сегодня? Но глухие к переменам образы статичны, притягивая все те же неприятности… Сегодня старые долги выплатить трудно, потому что жизнь ускакала вперед, и тысячелетние образы материализуются в каких-то искаженных формах. Так мне кажется. Бабушка, что случилось с моим отцом, Владимиром Григорьевичем? Я слышу его голос, он говорит, «Она ни причем, не мучь ее, оставь ее в покое!»

 Бабушка молчала, и я молчала. Вдруг она сказала, «Я не вижу его, но я знаю, мои видения снова здесь. Посмотри, может ты увидишь одного из них, или зови Там-Тама. Он будет знать, что делать с ним. Когда-то на земле, я думала, что мой неправильный брак с Григорием, евреем, убивает моих младенцев, а после смерти я поняла, что это не так. Моя вавилонская тень убивает нас всех, она до срока увела Григория от меня, и она отбирала одного за другим всех остальных.  Даже, тех моих детей, которые выдержали жизнь на земле, даже без денег и образования, он находит и доканывает их в посмертии,  еще хуже, чем на земле, он их спаивает, заставляет принимать кокаин, доводит до  полного разрушение их личности. Я не в силах вмешаться, я не знаю, в чем я была не права, я прошу помощи, остановите его, а то он и до моей Тани, и до тебя и твоего Володи, архитектора  доберется, он до всех нас доберется, смотри на эту  тень, это он, это он, это он, я знаю, он следующую жертву наметил, и это ты!

Он был когда-то монголом, но он давно уже не монгол, он пустой кувшин для голодного зла!  Оно съело сперва моих младенцев, потом Григория, потом Андреа, затем Юрика, затем твоего отца, затем моего Вики, у него были планы, он хотел работать, но голодное зло добралось и до него. Теперь оно возьмется за тебя… Может он давно взялся за тебя… и ждет, как вынуть из тебя последнее. Если ты увидишь его, значит он уже выпустил щупальцы, и иди зови Там-Тама на помощь.

—Бабушка, ты любила Вики, и Вики продержался дольше всех, значит в тебе любви не хватило на большее… Я однажды попала на мгновенье в нездешний мир, я шла, и сознание мое поднялось в высь в море белого, нежного тумана, в мир абсолютной любви! Ничего прекраснее я не испытала ни до этого, ни после этого! А тогда, спеша к врачу, умирая, потому что кровь моя лилась, иссякая после выкидыша, но я все-таки успела к доктору, потому что любовь к жизни вела меня автоматически к той точке во вселенной, в которой находилась доктор, которой суждено было спасти меня. Она перешла на ты, взялась за свое дело, просила произносить какие-либо слова, любые, чтобы она знала, что я жива.

Она спасла меня, чтобы через 60 лет я пришла к тебе и сказала, что там, наверху, нет предела любви, ее не взвешивают, не выдают за достижения, талант, доброту, преданность, за наши хорошие либо плохие дела.  На нее нет суда, нет ордеров заказа, и денег за нее не требуют! Она раздается вселенной всем и ни за что, любому столько, сколько он сможет взять, получить, вместить в себя, и более, потому что любовь единственное, что не кончается. Когда вдруг кончится вселенная и Отче Наш состарится и ничего не будет, любовь останется, и где-то зародится новая вселенная…

Люби их всех, Григория и твоих детей  по прежнему, люби их без  счета и взвешивания , и они вернутся к тебе, любовь и меня сохранит, и мне помощь Там Тама не нужна.

Бабушка, я вижу рядом с тобой странный расплывшийся образ, нечто вроде не то тени, не то расплюснутого существа … . На нем коричневая рубашка до колен, на голове спадающий на брови коричневый колпак с пестрой каемочкой,  белесые глаза, наполненные невыразимой тоской, толстая шея, толстое брюхо, толстые покрытые синими венами босые ноги, шлепающие так, будто он только-что сошел с коня, он движется странно, будто он паутина на стене старинного дома. Тень шепчет, мне некуда деться, я не оставлю тебя, я никогда более не покину тебя… молись богине Иштар, она с нами!   

Бабушка, будем молиться. 

Я прочту тебе молитву, которую дал мне отец, твой сын с того света, я записала ее с его слов.

Беспредельно тебя любя, Матерь Божья,

Прошу милости Твоей

Не вычеркивай меня из жизни, я еще послужу
Тебе, Богу нашему сущному

Всем святым и херувимам,
Не дай мне спуститься в ад и ниже, где нет света и куда Солнце никогда не заглядывает!

Дай мне надежду, и на тебя одну мое упование.

Дай подняться, чтобы коснуться следа твоих ног, где твоя ступня ступала.

Облачись в сияние Божьего Света, чтобы мы узнали тебя.

На тебя и твое сияние мы полагаемся.

Очисти нас грешников
Сохрани и защити

Во веки веков, Аминь.

Тень не шелохнулась. Там-Там сказал читать Отче Наш тихо. «Чем тише ты ее читаешь, тем громче она будет звучать в нем, он сдастся, посмотрим, что получится.

Я нашла четки, и стала читать нашу сокровенную молитву… Время шло, тень не шелохнулась. Я прошла первый круг, это означало, что я повторила молитву 50 раз, без отдыха и перерыва, я продолжала читать… Тень на стене сделалась более прозрачной, и постепенно стала как бы стекать со стены. На сто восемьдесят пятом чтении молитвы Отче Наш, тень на стене стекла вся на пол, обернувшись серым плевком на полу.

У Там-Тама оказалась в руках нечто вроде зажженной зажигалки. Он поднес ее синее пламя к «плевку», который стал испаряться, но не исчезал, вдруг остаток вспыхнул высоким пламенем… Там-Там обнял бабушку Любу, препятствуя ей вскочить, помчаться, вызывать пожарных… Я старалась замереть на месте, не выказывая знаков страха и паники. Пламя присмирело, затем стало тихо угасать, пока даже пятна не осталось на том месте, где был плевок, означавший концентрат вместо образа одного из бабушкиных воплощений.

Там-Там попросил чаю. Нам всем нужно было заземлиться. Я разговорилась.


—Ты и дедушка Григорий стали издавна искать противоядие разрушительным силам, которые часто, слишком часто оседают в аристократических родословных. И вы стали создавать сад. Сад в противовес разрушению. В садах всегда царит жизнь, что-то растет, расцветает, умирает только для того, чтобы зачать следующие жизни. Умирая, цветок отдает ветру семена, а тот разносит их по саду… Но ваш сад не пересилил зло, оно втянуло его в вихрь политических катастроф и вторую мировую войну, а затем ваш сад попал под нож советского раздела всеобщих благ, и его нарезали на кусочки под малые дома даже и не для таких уж и бедных, но тех, кто пожелали строить на крохотных наделах крохотные, но частные домики. И сад, казалось, пропал.  Через несколько дней, бабушка попросила связаться с нею. Она сказала, что в рукописи есть ошибка, которую надо исправить. «Ты пишешь, что решение Григория начать нашу жизнь в Эстонии с создания русского сада было его ошибкой, так как по-твоему начинать надо было с реставрации дома, который можно было продать, и вернуться в Таллинн. Ну так вот, это была я, кто потребовала начать с сада. Григорий взял мою вину на себя, конечно, ты права, любой человек с практическим и здравым умом начал бы жизнь в Пайде с реставрации дома…

Глава из книги «Сотканная из ошибок моих предков» (рабочее название)
Revised translation of the chapter Meditation on Luba Masoedova from
Weaved from My Ancestry, Kindle-Create Space publication, 2020
ISBN9798668288717
Kindle-Create Space publication, © 2020

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She Came…

Andrei Rublev. Virgin Mary. Detail

I woke up, because someone from outside was in my bedroom and stared at me. Gradually, my eyes got used to the darkness, and I realized that this was a woman who was looking at me, dressed strangely, like Soviet Kino superstar Lubov Orlova in the role of a Soviet collective farm milkmaid in rubber boots, wearing a gray dress, belted with a dark apron, her hair tied up with a headscarf, heading to milk a cow at sunrise … But that night, the sunrise was far away, and I, either out of fear or amazement, did not think to get out of bed and turn on the light …

The stranger was saying something to me in an unfamiliar language, but realizing that I did not understand her, she fell silent. However, she continued to stare at me, as if searching in me for some words in my mother tongue.  Finally, she spoke quietly and slowly, “You have forgotten me, you are not praying, but I am here now …” She did not finish the sentence, and, as if in search of additional words, she repeated the phrase from the beginning … “You forgot me, you forgot my son, in a foreign country you have forgotten our heavenly father, pray, pray every day … “

She pronounced the words separately and strongly, her eyes did not smile, but she tried to inspire me with something …

Suddenly there was a crash, our old one-story house with a swimming pool and a garden and a ridiculous hillock shuddered, trembled, and it seemed that the house was about to collapse and bury us, and we, I m in a body, my guest in spirit,  although I saw her clearly, in full size like a woman of slightly less than average height with huge bright eyes – we rushed to the exit. We had to cross the corridor and run into the bedroom of my nephew Volodya, because from his bedroom the door opened into the garden, right to the pool. He was already in the yard, waiting for me, pointing to an old cypress tree that fell perpendicular, away from the wall of the house, from the very wall behind which Volodya’s bedroom and his bed were standing… It seemed that the cypress tree, like a giant candle, was choosing which way to fall, on the house or away from the house on the hillock.  If it would fall directly onto Volodya’s bedroom, it would punch through the roof that has not been repaired for eons, and continuing to fall, bumping right on the head of the sleeping Volodya!

Later, I never asked Volodya if he noticed a third woman, a stranger, who was next to me, carefully examining the fallen tree. It seemed to me that he knew who she was, and was not surprised at her appearance … We talked, sighed, were glad that everything was okay, and the tree did not hurt anyone, and returned to the house, went to our bedrooms.

In my bedroom, a stranger suddenly disappeared. But the whole outer wall of the room was also gone, normally it was leading to the path that led to the garden gate, to the courtyard cleared for parking of visiting guests.

Now, instead of a wall, I was looking at the open starry sky, suddenly it came to life, and I saw our visiting stranger. Unknown forces lifted her upward. She ascended into the night, starlit sky, upright and calm. She no longer saw me, her appearance began to change, rubber boots, Orlova’s attire in her films about collective farmers disappeared … As she rose, moving away from our house, her attire turned into something elegant, trimmed with precious stones, on her head appeared a crown made from the same precious stones. Bright light, no, not sunlight, some Divine Light enveloped her and carried her higher, and the whole vision was dissolved in a sea of ​​golden light. The bedroom wall slid back into place, and the room returned to its usual boring mundane appearance.

Volodya believed my story about this wonderful vision, but no one else did! Once I tried to tell this to an American woman, a clairvoyant in an esoteric literature store … Let’s call her Miriam. She listened to me patiently, becoming more and more upset. She chewed some polite words, but she wanted to tell me that the Mother of God will certainly not come to me, an immigrant. “You, baby, need to see a doctor, not me with your ridiculous stories,” was what she would like to utter instead o saying me a bunch of false soothing words.

Years passed, I grew old, and decided to give my grand-nieces a prayer to the Mother of God, who once saved my nephew, the father of the children, because I know it was She! And something tells me that she showed me  who she was , because she wants me to remind people that her help was available to many, if the help would reach her, if asked sincerely and faithfully!

Here is my prayer, which I dared to edit a little freeing it from unnecessary wordiness…

Holy Mother of God, Queen of Heaven,
Carrier of hope
You are a shelter for orphans and wanderers
Protector of the sufferers
Patroness of the offended
You see our pain and sorrow
Help me as a weak
Guide me like a wanderer
You know my difficulties
Resolve them by Your will
You are our help
You are our guardian
You are our good comforter
Mother of God, save me, protect me
Forever and ever, amen.